spirits that speak

Why I (still) smoke cigars

2011-06-14T03:03:00.003-05:00

When I was 17 (cue Frank Sinatra) I started thinking about turning 18. Where I lived that was the age of legality. I wanted to take advantage of my soon-to-be-found freedom in a way that wasn't like everyone else. So...drinking was pretty much out (not to mention I've never liked the taste of beer or nearly anything else with alcohol in it). Gambling? I had my mind around trying to begin saving money for college. I wanted to avoid student loans as much as I could, and I couldn't put it upon my parents to give me money since they had already been spending their hard earned dollars on my desire to go to a private school. So what's left? Smoking? No..."I can't stand cigarettes", I thought back then. Then one day I was at 7-11 getting my daily slurpee (ok, almost daily) and I noticed cigars. What did I know back then? A cigar is a cigar. So I decided to try it.

The cigars I smoked back then would be a joke if a real cigar smoker saw what I was up to, but it had me interested. I started out with stuff like Century Sams and Captain Blacks. I liked that it very quickly became evident that it didn't have to be about becoming addicted or getting any kind of fix. A Century Sam would take me 20-30 minutes to smoke and wasn't nearly as plesant if i was in a hurry, so I allowed it to force me to slow down a bit at times. Soon enough, I started becoming curious about what else was out there for cigars. A few people I knew did indeed laugh at me when I told them I smoked Century Sams and didn't hesitate to tell me that I should try a real cigar some time. So I started looking for places to buy and soon found a great cigar shop in my home town (the only one, to this day that I'm aware of, that still knows what they're talking about). My first real cigar was called a Habana Gold. It took me in the neighborhood of an hour (maybe more) to smoke it and I realized I found something to take an interest in. Soon enough I established a once-a-week time to sit, think, and enjoy a cigar. It was relaxing and it helped me unwind and think about everything that was going on.

Then I took an interest in how cigars were made and decided to start reading up. There are whole books about the process. It turns out it's quite the process that requires patience and attention to detail. For real cigars there's never anything added. The process involves different ways to grow the plants and a very specific environment. Once the leaves are carefully and expertly harvested they go into curing barns for curing, fermenting, and aging. Sometimes the aging takes years, and between curing/fermenting then aging the leaves they are handled very little. During curing and fermenting the leaves are hanged in bunches and there's a controlled environment of evenly distributed heat and humidity so the leaves "sweat out" as many naturally occuring toxins as possible. Then, once the leaves are ready to move on from there, they're sorted. There are different qualities the sorters look for that will determine what the leaf is used for. The leaves are also then "de-stemmed" and then aged again for possibly another couple of years, to release more of the naturally occuring toxins that make them taste bitter when smoked.

Once all the curing, fermenting, and aging is done, the leaves are ready to be rolled. This process involves choosing leaves that complement each other well and create a blend that's created for flavor and a level of complexity. There are leaves that are chosen as filler (in which several leaves are bunched together), binder (to keep the bunch together well), and wrapper to further keep cigars in a shape that won't unravel as you smoke them. filler and binder are usually chosen more for flavor than for appearance, whereas the flavor is rounded out by wrapper that is also chosen because it looks better. Sometimes leaves initially determined fit as wrapper gets damaged and can then be used as binder or filler in another cigar. Often, when new blends are created, multiple configurations are blended together and then the cigar maker can choose which one is best.

That is a very briefly summarized story about the process of making cigars. I definitely left some things out in my description but it's a sense of what I learned when I studied all that. It made me realize that making cigars is painstaking and is an art. Good cigars are only made by those who have a passion for it, many of whom have cigar making in their families and have for over a century. Realizing all this, I basically fell in love with the art form. Since making them is such a long process in most cases, I felt even more interest in picking cigars carefully and not rushing the whole thing. Smoking them had to involve sitting down and letting it be an experience. I prefer sitting with at least one or two other people and having good conversation and relaxing together, but I smoke by myself a lot and try to take time to not only enjoy the cigar and the complex flavors involved but to reflect.

And there are flavors I would have never expected from unflavored tobacco leaves. At times I've tasted things such as toasted marshmallow, coffee, chocolate, coconut, peanuts, and even crazy things like fried rice. There's no doubt that the flavors I've gotten from well made cigars at times makes me sit up and take notice.

All this is to describe my love for cigars. It's not all encompassing, but mostly I still smoke cigars for the relaxation and reduction of stress that I still get from those experiences. My once-a-week custom still exists. Occasionally it's twice, but it's not something I'm addicted to in any way. There have been times I've gone weeks without smoking a cigar and felt no cravings. The only craving I've ever felt in relation to cigars is the craving for yet another time to sit and unwind and that craving usually only occurs immediately or very soon after my most recent one.

I wanted to add, finally, that, yes...I'm aware there are health risks in relation to smoking. However, I feel very strongly that those risks are nowhere near as high as some people want me to think. History shows that many of those who smoke only cigars and do so in moderation never experience health effects. There are many cases, including one I know of where a friend's grandfather has been smoking cigars since he was 8 years old. That man is now 93 and is in health as good as or better than many who are 50 years younger than him. What does he feel his secret is? Never inhaling and enjoying in moderation. I added this paragraph only because it's inevitable that someone will bring it up. I respect those people but I feel there's enough grounds to think that there are other factors involved in these risks. Mind you I won't try to convince anyone otherwise if they disagree with me. I'm fine agreeing to disagree. I added this also last because I want it to be clear that this is not why I smoke cigars. It's only one response to critics.

Inception - you are your own worst enemy

2010-12-31T04:35:00.003-06:00

***note that if you haven't seen Inception, but plan to, you may want to avoid this write-up as i made no effort to avoid spoilers***

there are a lot of twists and turns in inception. as far as i'm concerned, there's no question that it's brilliantly written and executed. when i watch most movies, especially dramas, i first look for what the writer or even the director is trying to say. is it obvious? are there multiple elements that combine to form the message? are there multiple intended messages? but sometimes i also think about a message that could be extrapolated from the film that may not have been intended. in some cases it's possible that the filmmakers were aware of it, or maybe intended it, but it's buried a lot deeper and takes some time to dig out.

in the case of Inception, within the last 30 minutes or so it occured to me that there may be some important things being said about guilt. for a long time i've felt like guilt was never a good thing. i've felt like guilt is a road block to truly making progress in an area of one's life. i've also noticed that guilt is not a motivator of change. it's too easy to dwell on guilt and allow it too much attention. it seems to me that the problem dom cobb has throughout Inception is a good example of this.

even though in his heart dom knows his wife's death isn't his fault, he can't help but allow the last events of their time together linger in his mind. he has this nagging feeling that some very well-intentioned actions on his part are the cause of his wife losing control, losing her grip on reality, and their kids losing their mother. because of her mental state, his wife becomes convinced that reality isn't real and kills herself. then, his last remaining memory of her is that she set up her death to look as though he killed her and his guilt has convinced him that she's right. i don't think i would blame cobb for feeling terrible. i would likely feel the same. but what ends up happening is that his image of his wife haunts him for years after. not only that, but because of his feelings of guilt and the remaining efforts of a woman who is basically insane, his subconcious projections of his wife (in dreams) are antagonistic. she's mad at him and wants him to fulfill his promise to spend the rest of eternity with her. it gets to the point where dom refuses to take an active role in building the dreams that him and his crew use to do their work because he knows that if he's involved his dead wife will sabotage every effort they make. but in spite of that his projections of his wife still manage to find their way in.

basically, dom's guilty feelings cause him to think "you can't move on. you never can." dom's guilt is a prison for him. there are some very extensive scenes in the movie that allude to this, and to the fact that he just can't let his wife go. he even starts to think that his wife was right and that his projections are real. he's deeply saddened by his feelings of fault. but the character of ariadne conveys to dom, in every way she can think of, that all of his guilt is counter-productive. not only does it endanger his friends and the work they do with him, because his work fails to produce results he's no closer to the one goal he has left: seeing his children. cobb had to run from the united states because his wife's last efforts to make him look like a killer worked and now he's desperately searching to make the problem go away. and he knows that he can't do that without making a lot of money.

i think all this can serve as a parable about guilt. i've spoken to people who feel strongly that guilt can be a tool God uses to move us. i think it's possible God allows guilt for a time, but i can't see Him ever actively using it. it seems that guilt only destroys and imprisons those who carry it. guilt drives us only to keep our eyes on the past and not look forward. it is conviction that drives us. conviction comes from an acknowledgement of guilt, but prompts us to change. instead of being trapped by guilt for as long as we hang on to it, we can own the truth of our conviction and strive to move forward. in Inception, it's not until dom finally faces his projections of his wife and acknowledges that he was actually trying to help her before she went insane, and that he doesn't need those images anymore, that he's finally able to move on. i think that's a truth that comes from this film organically, whether intended or not, and applies to all of us.

i know something will kill me

2010-06-23T20:31:00.001-05:00

well, i know it won't be alcohol
although i enjoy it once in a while
but it doesn't have the same hold
it does for some who bear the trial.

i doubt that for me it will be love
although i know that some it kills
some say it heals and maybe prove
although i've felt its pain and thrills.

it could be food and maybe the cigar in my hand
the doctors they would try to tell me that
they maybe right but could also build on sand
it's possible but i think here's where the answer's at.

there is still one thing it's nothing new
i've even seen the knife
it's the biggest killer i know it's true
i think what'll kill me is life.

musical meditations

2010-06-23T20:26:00.003-05:00

so, once in a while i hear a song that really hits home for me. for one reason or another, it speaks to me.

heard this one again for probably the hundredth time the other night while smoking a cigar. damien jurado's music does really have great lyrics, but for some reason this one stood out. find a way to hear the song if you can. apparently youtube doesn't have it:

damien jurado - bad dreams

I have fell victim to you
Troubles I have seen, many years
From high windows I have called you
So come, save me from this fire

Forget all who hurt you, they don't know you
Come rest your tired body in my arms
From the bedroom I have called you
So come, save me from this fire

And I have bad dreams
I've done so many bad things
So come, save me from this fire

searching for church

2010-06-23T20:20:00.003-05:00

well, doesn't it all just figure. if you've been reading some of my previous posts, you know that i found a church while i was in winnipeg that i felt truly at home in. this place was the real deal. it's crazy that it took me 32 years to find my home, but i found it.

so, anyway, i've now moved far away from winnipeg and i'm back at square one. i'm looking for that kind of place. i don't imagine it would have to be exactly the same. it would be great if it was similar, but i don't think it has to be. it's just...back to work.

i guess what i find most difficult is "where to begin...". at the very least, i think i definitely know i'm anglican. i really love a lot of the liturgy, particularly in the book of alternative services. but the politics are different here. it's actually easy to think there were no politics at my previous church. i do believe that, but it wouldn't surprise me if i found out that it had some. it's hard to get away from politics when people are involved. but out here...once you dig deep enough, it's a bit of a pressure cooker. there is one particular issue that drives it and unfortunately it's an issue that too many people have an opinion on (especially me).

so i'm back to searching. i think there may be a place i could settle for a little while, but it's hard to tell right now. either way i don't know that it will be home. probably not even home away from home.

i have to think that God knew i would be moving before i found the last place. so there will always be the question of why He would let me find it so late or why i wouldn't get a stronger urge to go there sooner. but it's typical to think that way. really, i knew about the place and was too lazy to check it out sooner. i have myself to blame but i still ask why.

so, here i am. looking. it's still very early in the process. it's not a process that i like that much, and i definitely don't know the first thing about doing it right. i can only hope that if something that special comes up again, or is in my peripheral vision, that i'll have the stones to check it out as early as possible next time and give myself enough time to stay for a while longer.

the result of Good Friday inspiration

2010-04-03T06:24:00.004-05:00

the Good Friday service at my church was very appropriate. it was somber and really brought home the message of what happened and who was responsible. i really don't think we can understand that enough.

but walking out i had sudden inspiration to write. a few lines came to mind and i constructed something around them. it's a work in progress.

you can find my piece as the last section in the reflection our priest wrote about the service. here's the link.

this is the end (of lent). my only friends, the end.

2010-04-03T05:23:00.002-05:00

yes, less than 24 hours to go for lent. technically i will end it early, but i feel ok about that. after sundown on saturday i will be watching The Passion of the Christ. i watch it every year at easter because it sets things right in my mind and makes it all more real.

but i've found that, during lent, when watching movies on sundays (the only day it would have been permitted), it all had more flavor. i just felt more...like i saw the ones from my own collection for the first time.

this relatively short period of time has helped me appreciate those things more. they hold more weight for me now. i think that there's still a lot that i didn't do during lent, and i'm sure i didn't find the full meaning of things. but this is my first time actually doing something to commemorate lent. i can only hope future years will bring improvement in how i navigate this season.

there were definitely time that i wanted to give in. having also given up fast food, there were so many times i wanted desperately to partake in free pizza that was offered to me. but God gave me the grace to turn it down. still, i think next year will be just as difficult.

perhaps i'll give up the same things just so i can see how i could improve on this.

analyze that

2010-04-03T05:22:00.001-05:00

so, therapy is done. it's a funny process. i guess it went relatively well. i'm not really sure i cam out of it with any additional answers, but i don't have more questions. i think that's a plus.

the last session was the most interesting. it's strange when you know it's coming to an end. both me and the therapist had a chance to mentally prepare for that reality. it was actually a very honest session for both of us. he also admitted that he was having a hard time with the fact that it was already coming to an end. i don't know that he was fully prepared for that.

i guess i do come out of it with more of a sense that God is interested in me. i didn't exactly go into it looking for that. i think the most significant thing that i came out of it with is more of a desire to meditate. specifically it's meditating on very short portions of Scripture (e.g. "give us this day our daily bread"). it's a matter of trying to break down what something means and really figuring out the components of it are and how they fit together and what it all means.

so that's that. i guess what i hope now is that i've gotten some tools with which to address the questions i still have.

analyze this

2010-03-08T10:39:00.002-06:00

a few weeks ago, our priest mentioned during a service that there was a counselling student from providence college who was looking for someone to practice on. i volunteered.

so, for 4 weeks i will be in therapy. yes, all of you who have ever said, about me, "that dude's got issues", will be happy to know someone is now trying to make me confront those issues. i've already had my first session.

i think the counsellor was surprised at what an open book i was about the things he wanted to know. he even braced me because he would be asking some personal questions. you're kidding...personal questions during psychotherapy? i did have some very specific things i wanted to address during our 4 sessions, and that's where it's going. we'll see what happens. if anything bears blogging, you can be sure to read about it here.

lenten discipline

2010-02-17T22:17:00.002-06:00

so i'm giving up 2 things for lent: movies and fast food. movies will be the more difficult of the 2. much more difficult. but, my priest recently provided some good news. the time between ash wednesday and easter sunday is actualy 46 days...because there are 6 sundays.

those sundays are actually intended as "feast" days, when people take a break from the fasting. so on each of those sundays i will watch 1 movie. the first one will be a movie i've been waiting months to see: shutter island. however, for the other 5 sundays i've decided to honor high fidelity and revisit my all-time top 5 movies.

now, 4 of them i'm definitely decided on...the 5th i'm not sure is a "top 5", so it may change. nonetheless, here they are (in no particular order):

1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. good will hunting
3. the departed
4. goodfellas
5. funny people (may be subject to change)

a window to the soul

2010-02-14T21:39:00.004-06:00

the next is a series of posts that i have made regarding a recent "quiet retreat" i took with some people from my church. it was kind of a roller coaster, but here are my thoughts on it. it ends with the post titled "back to everything else".

arrival night

2010-02-14T21:39:00.001-06:00

we’ve just recently come back from night prayer. i’m just realizing it’s possible that this weekend may be a time to figure out what’s wrong with me. i actually had hoped to think about some very specific things during this time. things like plans that my wife and i are making for our family for the next year or so. i guess it’s possible that i may still get to reflect on that (please). however, it seems like ever since i’ve been coming to st. benedict’s table i lose control over my emotions during liturgy. right around the time our priest encourages us to confess our life to Almighty God, and reminds us that no matter how many times we fail, God calls us home “again, and again, and again”...i lose it. even as i write this i’m tearing up. what the hell is my problem? i couldn’t get through a few words of night prayer (just another version of a quick liturgy) without almost weeping in front of everyone. i don’t know what’s going on but i think there’s something big that i’ve been neglecting. something i accidentally buried deep down inside and it’s being dug up. is this from God? i honestly don’t know. i’ve decided that tonight will be time to take a shower, then spend some time in the chapel and just let things happen. i pray that i start understanding this soon.

after morning prayer – saturday

2010-02-14T21:38:00.002-06:00

i’m enjoying everything that’s going on at this retreat, but starting to get a hint of what’s going inside me. while i was away at bible college, i got involved in prayer. during prayer, i would often sob or even weep and got a very clear sense that this was for those who were suffering something in silence. or experiencing some kind of stress. however, during the times of liturgy or prayer (whether at church or here) i’m starting to realize that i’ve been crying for me. there’s a heaviness and a sadness that i’m starting to pick up on from my soul. i have some ideas about why it’s there, but i don’t yet feel hopeful that i will get away from it. it feels like i’ve been chained to the worlds heaviest boulder and will never get away. i pray that i do, but also that if it takes some time that i don’t make my family suffer because of it. off to guided meditation now.

after guided meditation - saturday

2010-02-14T21:38:00.001-06:00

i’m not really sure how i feel right now. i broke down during guided meditation. had to leave the room because i couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore. so i went to the bathroom and wept. there’s a bit of relief now, although i still feel a heaviness in me so it’s likely temporary. arranging a time to talk to jamie this afternoon and tell him about the things i’ve been feeling. it’s possible that my soul needs to breathe. maybe all this time i’ve been keeping it in some kind of chamber where the oxygen is very conservatively controlled and it’s constantly on the verge of suffocation. when i went to the chapel last night, there was a candle that was under a very solidly colored cover. it had the effect of the candle being very dim but still clearly “lit”...just not beaming the way an open candle would be. that’s how i think my spirit feels at this time. now it’s off to mid-day prayer with the sisters from the monastery.

after lunch – saturday

2010-02-14T21:37:00.002-06:00

gonna listen to some johnny cash and some jurado/bazan today. food for the soul.

aside – saturday

2010-02-14T21:37:00.001-06:00

just sitting in my room to prepare some playlists. there’s a lot of art around the monastery. i randomly chose which side of the room to sleep on (2 beds but no roommate). i didn’t notice it at first, but the side that i chose (the one at the window) has a painting hanging up of a very small person in a forrest with very tall trees. there is a bright light shining down on the person and there’s a wind-like angel reaching out to...i’m not sure what. it almost looks like the angel is getting ready to scoop up the person (the angel is huge too) or, possibly reaching out in protection, or to embrace the person some how. i want to think that the person is me. lost in a huge dark forrest. now i’m waiting for the light and wondering if the angel is actually there. i’m not sure.

pipe walk with a priest

2010-02-14T21:36:00.000-06:00

decided i would talk to jamie about some of my issues. he suggested that we both bring our pipes and go for a walk. how could i turn that down? we walked, we smoked, and i confessed some of my struggles to him. i told him about the sadness. i told him that i think it’s being caused by some things that i’ve allowed to be in my life that should not be part of anyone’s life. he encouraged me to get rid of those things, and he has pledged to hold me accountable, particularly during lent. so, during lent, i will have a fight on my hands to clear out the trash. it was a good talk and jamie was gracious. i don’t feel sad now, and we’ll see what happens during vespers and communion tonight.

after supper – saturday

2010-02-14T21:35:00.002-06:00

vespers went well, i only felt emotional during one specific part, but i think it was a good kind of emotion. i feel like i’m in much better spirits. i don’t know if this will last, but i will try to really live in it while it’s here. now, i think i will go listen to some more music and do a little more reading. then it’s off to communion. after communion we will be watching a movie called “unstrung heroes”. should be a good night and hopefully it will stimulate some more thought and meditations.

last call – saturday

2010-02-14T21:35:00.001-06:00

well, communion was good. we passed the elements around the circle and pronounced “the body of Christ – broken for you” and “the blood of Christ – shed for you”. then we had fun, talking and eating cheese and crackers. it felt like a family re-union. then we watched the movie. still processing it. following that we did what was called “compline” in the monastery chapel. very casual, seemingly, since very few of us knew what we were doing. but it was inspiring. we chanted. that’s what it was. we sang our prayers. it was one of the greatest things i’ve ever experienced in my life of faith. tomorrow is the last day. 2 meals, with morning prayer in between. then it’s basically over. not sure i’m ready for it to be, but life doesn’t wait. my challenge now is, somehow, taking the very little that i’ve learned in the last day or so and bringing it with me. application is always so frustrating. now, i’m off outside for a few minutes just to look at the stars i so rarely see in the city. my friends damien jurado and david bazan will accompany me. we’ve got some catching up to do.

after morning prayer & reflection – sunday

2010-02-14T21:34:00.000-06:00

this morning we joined the sisters for their morning prayer. this time it was almost all singing. not bad. some of it was more chanting and some was hymnal singing. the hymns aren’t really my cup of tea, but i participated (mostly because i didn’t know what i was in for ahead of time and was already there now). following that, we all went up to sit and talk about our feelings on the weekend. a lot of it was spent discussing “unstrung heroes”. more people had a personal connection with it than i realized. the story is mostly about how a family deals with the matriarch getting terminally ill. there were different perspectives on how people connected with that story emotionally. overall everyone seemed to agree that it’s been a good weekend. i can safely say i didn’t get nearly as much thought and reflection done as i wanted to, but i think some important things were investigated. now i think i’ll have another pipe and then some more music and reading before lunch. be back for 1 more entry.

back to everything else

2010-02-14T21:33:00.000-06:00

that’s it. i guess my big weekend is done. i definitely do not regret taking this short journey, but so much feels left incomplete. i pray that i will remember to take time out for reflection more regularly and that i don’t forget what little progress i did make. may it be branded in my heart and mind.

into the rest of life

2009-12-27T20:55:00.003-06:00

i stopped going to church, unofficially, back in may or june of 2009. i had been going to a church for about 6 or 7 years that just didn't seem right. lots of good people, but the church and i just weren't clicking. i didn't seem to be fitting in anywhere, even with those in my peer group.

after a summer of almost never going, i was "challenged" (as my priest has now defined it). the warden and i were talking about church and the fact that i hadn't really been going. essentially, she said "you don't have to go to our church, but you're not getting away with never going to church anymore." so i decided to visit this church i'd been aware of for some time.

i had been wanting to visit for quite some time because, over the last few years, i was aware of it and knew several people who attended there. i also attended some events spear-headed by the priest of this particular church. things like a lecture about j.r.r. tolkien, and a round-table type dicussion about "christian" media. it turns out this church does things like that regularly. i don't think anything, in particular, kept me from visiting this whole time. just laziness i guess. so, with that "challenge" having been left in my court, i finally went to the anglican church i had been thinking about for a few years.

actually, i'm not sure i was ever visitng. now that i've been there, it feels like it's where i always should have been, and where i would always go as long as i live where i do. once was enough to keep me there. if you're reading this and you're familiar with the feeling of coming or being home, that's what i feel in this place.

i'm not sure if it's any one element. the incense; the bells; the style of communion; the reverence offered by long-standing tradition...they all help focus me on what i, and all the faithful, should always do with our lives: worship. i've also become aware, thanks to this home-coming i think, that i've been letting my faith become lapsed over the past couple of years. it was gradual, it seems. a kind of erosion. but i think that's being repaired now. don't call it a comeback, it's been here for years. i've only recently been reminded that it's there. the faith, that is.

it doesn't hurt that my priest is one of the coolest dudes i know. someone who understands that a person of faith should integrate into his or her community and culture. although he would likely seek humility by shrugging it off, i think he's one definition of the role model concept and i have the utmost respect for him. it makes meeting with him to discuss life that much more meaningful. it also helps me understand, even more than i did before, why it's so devastating in some faith communities when people find out how human their clergy is. so while i do see my priest as a role model, i must also understand that he is human and makes mistakes. i must pray for him and, should i ever witness one of those mistakes, pray for him twice as much. that he will recognize the mistake and seek forgiveness.

and that takes me to my conclusion. i think one of the other things that is now keeping me in a consistent relationship with this particular anglican church is the understanding of humanity that our priest demonstrates. in communion we are all invited. regardless of how failed we feel or are, and how much forgiveness we need, we are invited. it's helped me understand that, sometimes, before someone will ask for forgiveness they need to know that they are part of a community that can show them what it means to live under God's mercy.

people need to be part of a community that will provide and environment in which they can come and confess their life to the Lord and seek the forgiveness they need in order to facilitate repentance. and we are all part of that community, whether priest or parishoner.

fatherhood so far

2009-08-04T06:05:00.002-05:00

life is a funny thing...

ever since i was a very young boy, i've been crazy about girls. i still remember what i believe was my first crush ever. it was in nursery school. today, that girl is a woman who's become a gold medal winning olympic athlete. i'm sure that's another story altogether. as i was saying...my first actual "girlfriend" was in kindergarten. back then, having a girlfriend meant a girl you spend a lot of time with. we kinda did that for 3 years. after that, i didn't finish chasing girls until i got married. holding girls' hands was really exciting when i was in jr. high. it was always just a thrill if i spent time with girls. i didn't even think past that point (until later). i've never figured out why. i was just always worried about gaining their acceptance, trust, and affection. even today, if given the choice between hanging out in the company of females i get along with and guys i get along with...well, it wouldn't be much of a choice.

i reflect on all of this, and pretty much need it, when trying to understand why i care so much about the way my daughter sees me. my daughter's a mommy's girl, which i've come to accept. i honestly believe every child, adopted or biological, has to pick a favorite parent. since our daughter spends so much time with the warden, that's a pretty easy pick. i'm cool with that, because in a few years it's going to be more meaningful, and i think the warden will really appreciate it. that said, it's still kinda weird when the little girl is indifferent toward me. all the more, when we're watching TV together and she cuddles up or reaches out to take my hand...my heart races. when we're putting her to bed and she gives me a hug and a little kiss, it makes my day...even if she wipes her mouth after the kiss (lol).

when i got married, i thought my days of chasing after girls were over. 9 years after that, we adopted a little girl who changed the meaning of chasing girls for me. it's different now, but strangely for the rest of my life i'll be chasing her and constantly being worried about gaining her acceptance, trust, and affection.

...life is a funny thing.

love stinks

2009-02-13T09:37:00.003-06:00

went to see he's just not that into you last night. with a huge cast and many different story lines, it was hard to know what to think going in. i've heard good things about it, so let's just say i was cautiously optimistic.

i think each character made a valuable contribution to the overall concept of the movie. i'm not sure it has a "story", although there are many stories in it, but it was well constructed. let's face it, the whole huge cast/multi-story line thing has been done a fair bit. sometimes it's a raging success, but sometimes it falls flat on its face. there is the tendency to let too many stars overshadow what the thing is actually trying to say. but i don't think this movie was guilty of that. it was pretty unassuming, not focusing too much on those who would normally be big stars. instead, the movie focuses on its most important characters.

i'd say the most important characters in this movie are gigi and alex. it's not just that what happens between them is important, but that i think a good portion of the message being sent was being sent with their dialogue (both individually and when sharing a scene). mind you, this movie has a lot of things to say...primarily about love. the joy it inspires, the pain it causes, the insanity it drives one to, and the stupid things people do in its name.

overall, i'd call it a keeper. it has its drawbacks, such as one particular line delivered by ben affleck, but those are minor when viewed with the whole. the ending sees 2 major story lines (ok, maybe they were only major imo) closed in a very moving fashion. this is appropriate because it really wraps things up nicely.

if you love relationship philosophy, or if you hate relationships, i would recommend giving this a chance.

the problem of pain

2008-10-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

ok, so i've been reading C.S. Lewis lately. i especially love reading him while smoking a good cigar. when i realized that i lost the motivation to do any writing and got scared that i was losing interest too, i decided to start getting back to reading. it seemed that i was writing more when i was reading a lot.

i've been reading donald miller. a good friend recommended blue like jazz. that book changed my views on reading. it changed a lot. i feel like i grew as i read the book. that led to prayer and the art of volkswagon repair. more really good miller. it's not blue... but it's really good. i also read more pop culture titles. 50x50 (50 by 50) is mostly photo driven auto-biography by 50 cent. angry blonde, which is basically the story behind all the lyrics on eminem's first major album; written by the man himself. if dr. dre wrote a book i would buy it in a heartbeat, although i am tempted to get the biography written about him. can't wait for detox, if it ever comes out.

this brings me back to Lewis. while i haven't read all the books written by him, i decided to instead revisit ones that i've read previously. i went back to Narnia and finally finished the horse and his boy. i stopped at prince caspian because the warden said she wanted to read it before she saw the movie...she hasn't been reading it (!!!). after Horse, though, i moved to the space trilogy he wrote, Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength. see, both my narnia chronicles collection and my copy of the space trilogy are found in the form of unabridged compilations, so i just read through the whole thing.

i ate through ...Planet and Perelandra like they were nothing. such brilliant storymaking. the battle between ransom and weston in Perelandra had me feeling sympathetic with ransom's feelings of incompetence. made me reflect on my own capabilities. i've recently started ...Strength and it made me want to write again. it's what i would definitely call one of Lewis' master works. i'm only at the beginning, but as i feel the story take shape and know that something big is developing, i feel anxious.

all of this, everything i read, kinda makes me wish something big was developing in my life. it feels like it was developing when i was in college. then, after graduation, it kinda feels like all development stopped. like someone was writing my story and hit a bad case of writers block. now, since i have a wife and child, i am working to pay the bills and i don't feel secure persuing the story that was developing. i feel like another story began. one that you read a few chapters of and put down because it just isn't going anywhere.

i'm not feeling sorry for myself here, and certainly am not soliciting any of that kind of thing from anyone who might be reading this. so if you're going to comment in that kind of theme, please just save it and pray for me instead. i'm simply saying that reading and re-reading some the best books i've ever read, books that are sincere and compelling, is why i'm writing this post. it's really made me reflect on what's going on.

...that and it gives me something to do while i smoke a cigar that takes an hour to finish.

comatose

2008-10-06T11:20:00.002-05:00

yeah, i'm writing here. part of me has been asleep for a long time. without trying to make excuses i'll just say that i don't bother trotting it out most of the time anymore because nearly everyone at work wouldn't see the point and the warden isn't interested.

i suppose it's likely true that i fancy myself more sufficient intellectually than i actually am. like most things i try but can't seem to measure up to some peers.

irregardless, i've got a post cooking and will hopefully get it posted here in the next day or two. it won't be significant, but i'm starting to awaken a little. in the next post i'll explain why i think that is.

i am intrigued

2008-01-13T01:27:00.000-06:00

WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN I AM LEGEND YET, BUT PLAN TO SEE IT, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO READ THIS REVIEW UNTIL YOU DO SEE IT.

so, if you've read my most recent post on my other blog you know that i saw i am legend. it took a while, but i finally saw it. i got in late but i don't think i missed much.

the movie deals with several complex themes. first, that i noticed, man's best friend. robert neville's dog, samantha, became his hunting partner and best friend. his only friend left. this created a little bit of a problem. when the dog got into a fight with an infected dog, and finally died because robert gave her a dose of the cure that kills quickly, all of robert's remaining hope died with her. so much so that he gave up his will to fight. the scene where the dog died was heartbreaking, but the scene where robert lured out infecteds so kill as many of them as possible was heartwrenching. his dog's death left him only with desperation. that's when one realizes that the dog represented robert's reason for the hard work he put into finding a cure. work that he was willing to throw away when the dog died because he allowed that event to make him think that he was the only immune left in the world. so what did it matter? what was left? take your agression and loss of hope out on infected zombies and then let other ones tear you apart and kill you.

but then there was the unexpected glimmer of light that was brought by the immune woman and her child that rescued him. unfortunately it was too late. by this point robert spent so much time without other human companionship that he was no longer prepared to re-integrate into some form of society. i don't think his failure to believe in the possibility of a colony was brought on because he couldn't find faith. i think his failure to believe was because he spent so much time allowing himself to be convinced that he was alone that he no longer cared about the possibility of that colony that confronted him in the form of someone who heard his message. but, by the end, he was willing to avoid allowing all that work to be wasted. if there is the possibility of a colony of immune people, however remote, he needed to do something. that remaining effort took a spark. that spark was created when he realized he created the cure and found out how to make it work. if that was possible, and becoming reality, then all the possibilities that he lost hope in were not quite out of the question. i'm tempted to think that in the moment before his death, he didn't just regain hope. he didn't just regain faith. he knew that his original hope was correct. he was right all along and now he needed to make that a reality.

i suppose it's the final ending of the film that i'm most conflicted about. it's an appropriate ending, don't get me wrong. life doesn't always work out the way you think it should. robert died but left behind a legacy of hope for humanity. it's probably the way the movie should have ended...but it still left me feeling a little empty. the course of the film spends time convincing us to like robert and relate to him. we're hoping beyond hope that he will see the fruit of his labor. even see his wife and daughter again, in the colony. when his heart breaks at the death of his dog, our heart breaks with him. we almost have a relationship with him.
we have little to no relationship with anna (the immune that rescued him). we don't dislike her. after all, hers is the voice of faith. she believes in things that are beyond her control. but we don't have that relationship with her. although at the end i'm relieved to find that her belief in the colony was correct, i'm slightly less happy about it because robert isn't there. if i can find a flaw in the story, and i usually don't see flaws in films as easily as the jaded skeptics i keep company with, it would be that robert didn't get to see what anna did.

after i see a movie i always go through a process of deciding whether or not i will eventually buy it on DVD. sometimes it's not even a question. sometimes i know i will buy it, sometimes i know i never will. in this case i'm still not decided. there are so many emotions involved in the movie i don't know if i could get through it again. i was depressed when the dog died. but then i think i want to see it again, and again, and again...if only to gain a better understanding of what it says. not to mention to again find an appreciation of the acting, the cinematography, and the art of it. i had a similar indecision when i first saw the departed.

if you know me you know how that one worked out...

double-sided coins can be treacherous

2007-12-03T13:03:00.002-06:00

double header this weekend. 2 movies, 2 very different perspectives on the world. since they are so different and no small amount of words would do them justice, i will post the "reviews" seperately.

beginning with...

all the "magic" in the world can't stop them!

2007-12-03T13:03:00.001-06:00

movie 1 was august rush. what was i expecting? not much. i knew what it was basically about going in. it's not a complicated plot. 2 people meet and fall in love. they have one "magical" night in new york on the rooftop of some building and then, despite all their efforts, part ways. she got pregnant (i will refer you back to the "magic") and the baby ends up being given to the state. boy grows up and searches for his parents. i'm leaving out a bit, but that's the gist of it.

what did i get? much more than i was expecting, i'll tell you that much. more than any other movie i recall seeing, music became a character in this movie. see, the 2 people who got "magic" together were both musicians (she was a little bit classic, he was a little bit rock and roll). the kid then ends up hearing music in his soul without even really understanding it and basically can play and compose almost anything (like mozart). he then inadvertently follows the music to the city that his parents "composed" him in. anyway, throughout the movie the music kinda speaks. it's spooky in a way and, as the warden put it, can give you chills.

some of the human players aren't bad either. freddie highmore is a great actor and demonstrates a maturity that is shared by few child actors (hailie joel osment comes to mind). as the 2 "magic" makers, keri russell and jonathan rhys meiers are pretty fantastic (didn't really have respect for keri before this movie). then there are the supporting roles...the most notable ones are terrence howard and robin williams (mykelti williamson isn't bad either, but he had a less significant role).

in the end i would recommend this to pretty much anyone whose heart isn't completely and hopelessly made of ice and brick. those who consider themselves lovers of music should either see this in theaters or, at the very least, make damn sure that a DVD viewing is supported by 5.1 or 6.1 surround (don't bother with 2.0...just entertain yourself with an etch-a-sketch). this movie is an experience that i won't quickly forget.

my review of movie 2 is next...

the good gangster

2007-12-03T12:22:00.000-06:00

movie 2 was american gangster. ok, my expectations of this one were high. i wouldn't say i was disappointed...but my expectations weren't exactly justified either.

the movie stars denzel washington and russell crowe. neither of these guys are exactly "amateurs" of their craft. these are 2 very good actors. i will still fight anyone who says that denzel's oscar for training day wasn't quite deserved. i don't care how good you say you think he was in that movie, if you don't say he deserved the oscar you're just flat out wrong. there will be no discussion on this, only curse words and fists (hey...wasn't this blog supposed to be more gentle and sophisticated???). in either case, there's some very good acting represented by this cast.

it's based on the true story of frank lucas, a gangster in 70s new york who, if this movie is even half-way accurate, brought an amazing amount of heroin into new york. this guy was like the sony or nike of drugs when it came to the quality of product he represented. his strategy was simple: make the quality of heroin superior to anyone else's product and sell it for half the price of any competitors. made him a lot of money. until a cop named richie roberts figured out who was behind the drugs and brought him down, the difficulty of which was only complicated by the fact that he had to fight his own "brothers in blue" who had no faith in him and a partner who became a victim of lucas' pure horse. but when roberts does win lucas does something very surprising...you'll have to watch to find out.

it wasn't a bad movie. it was very entertaining and the acting was good. but there's something about it that left the whole of the experience somewhat unsatisfying. i still can't put my finger on it, but i think it has something to do with denzel. it's possible that this character was too smooth. he was even kind of normal, not eccentric like a lot of gang kingpins. there are actually some subtleties about the movie that i'm gonna have to mull over after seeing it again. for instance, there was the fact that both lucas and roberts rose to the top of their game through similar circumstances, their peers were kind of against them...had no faith in them.

anyway, my favorite part of it was at the end when lucas comes out of prison and you get the sense that director ridley scott gave spike lee a call for advice. lucas walks out of the prison doors and all the traffic on the street, the entire world that he's now no longer familiar with, zooms past and around him to the tune of a public enemy song. i love the shot, it's fantastic.

see this movie if you like gangsters, violence, or cops-and-robbers type dramas, you should see this. but, like me, maybe you have to see it twice to appreciate its idiosyncrasies.

blogging is dead and so am i! (2nd post here within a week!)

2007-09-05T09:26:00.001-05:00

well, as i look around me i'm noticing something: no one really likes to blog anymore.

true, i haven't visited any of my friends' homes on the internet in quite some time so maybe my interest in blogging died too (but, wait, i'm writing this). but i'm realizing that most people just don't post anymore (and haven't since the spring of this year).

someone i actually quite admire recently said on his own blog that the internet is too overrun with blogs and stuff being written by "useless buffoons". but perhaps it's because those buffoons are only blogging because they can (not a good reason to blog IMO...yeah, that's right...i left out the "H"!).

blogging still means a hell of a lot to me, but mainly because i feel that not writing would lead to the slow suffocation of my own intellect so i can't, i won't, and i can't let that happen! thus i am making this the first ever double post. yeah...i'm posting this on both my public blogs (i have a private one too...but that's there for other reasons).

if blogging is dead i have to focus on one thing: please don't let it happen to me!

***this nonsensical jabbering brought to you by the letters H and Q

Out of the Silent Planet

2007-09-02T08:03:00.000-05:00

Out of the Silent Planet

Well, I guess the only way that I'm going to write a post is to be completely honest. So here it is...

I haven't felt like I've heard God speak to me in quite a long time. This is something that I've been thinking about lately. I think I even kinda forgot what he sounds like.

There used to be a certain place I go to and I could actually feel like He's nearby. Now, when I go there, it feels like I'm completely alone.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is an intentional silence. Like he's left me to fend for myself for a while. I guess I'd be ok with that if that's what it was. To be completely honest, if I knew that was the case I'd wait it out and see what happens.

But if that's what it is, why not give me some warning? Like "Hey, You're not gonna hear from me for a while but don't panic. I'll be back after you learn some valuable lessons." Unfortunately I don't think that's the case here.

Then my mind tries to process this. Have I been more bad than I used to be? I've always had some guilt/conviction about the quality of my "walk". But even when that was the case, and justified, I still had "the voice".

Now, when my heart and mind are quiet, I hear barely anything. Maybe an echo of what I once heard, reminding me that it's still not really there. I'm sure I'm being melodramatic, but it's really starting to feel like I'll be "on my own" for good.

To be honest I'm starting to feel like King Theoden in Lord of the Rings and I'm wondering if something will eventually bring me out of this. What was that expression about being "up" a certain creek without a paddle?

the night watcher

2007-08-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

hey, you still out there?

i haven't posted here in a long time, but i've had a few ideas cooking. i'm not even sure people are checking anymore (i don't blame you).

well, if i get a few comments i swear i'll make one of my recent ideas materialize here.

the preacher

2007-05-21T08:17:00.001-05:00

i went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. it was a friend of the family. kind of a young guy, couldn't have been much more than 40. he had huntington's disease. it attacks the nervous system or something.

but i was at the funeral in my parents' church (a place i was happy to get away from) and the guy delivering the message is someone who i've never been a fan of. i always found his sermons to by really dry and devoid of anything useful. i was quite certain it would be yet another "we're sad, but we should be happy because he's in Heaven now," type of things.

then he spoke.

this was the kind of sermon that took huge guts. because of the nature of the last years of the departed's life, being sick and all, he related the situation to Job. but it wasn't something i expected. he started by talking about how this wasn't going to be "that kind" of sermon. he talked about the situation Job was in when he lost everything. and he didn't just talk about it, he practically painted a picture. talked for a little while about how Job lost everything; his wife, his kids, his life (well almost), and his faith (again, almost). he talked about how he sat in the dust. how Job's friends gradually wore him down and made him feel miserable.

then, the preacher took us to the reason we were there. yes, the man we were mourning actually suffered. yes, it was painful. but he held on to his faith. and where was God? just as Job asked..."Where have you been?!" but then he said something that i kinda predicted because i knew it was true. God was in the hearts of the many people that sat with the departed while he deteriorated. guys that came over to the care home that the departed was in to watch monday night football. people that faithfully visited him week after week, and his efforts to stay positive.

it was all true. and probably the most appropriate funeral sermon i've ever heard. it kind of inspired a little faith in the Church that i haven't had in a while. like, "wow, we're still capable of telling the Truth." and it worked not just because it was true but because it was the angle on Truth that was good for the family to hear. it was comforting to them for their loss. can't argue with that.

100 years winter, and reliving hope

2007-04-24T06:28:00.000-05:00

yeah, i'm writing about narnia again. i promise i won't do this everytime i see the movie...this will be the last time.

there's just such a hope in the movie that's very well woven into the story. but i know it's effectively woven in because i don't just feel the hope that narnians feel for their own land when they see the children. i feel hope for this world. hope for the endurance of my faith.

the characters in the story are just so used to winter. they're just going about living their lives. but in the back of their minds is this comatose hope. one which they've been keeping on life support just in case it's not a lost cause. hope that, no matter how long it's been, isn't beyond the possibility of revival.

these things are familiar to me throughout the film. then i remember that this is how i feel when i'm reading the narnia stories. lewis did well in writing the narnia series, and i believe andrew adamson did well in adapting it for film.

and this hope that's prevalent throughout the book and movie is greatly encouraging for me and i'm trying to find a way to make that sense last. perhaps i'm feeling like i'm in the middle of my own endless winter right now. i haven't seen christmas in a hundred years. i'm praying for that one spark. a spark that will revive my hope (faith) and cause ice to melt, giving way to a raging river.

money for nothing

2007-04-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

well, i recently applied for a promotion at work. it was a long, arduous process for me. i'm a bit exhausted.

finally, after about a month of waiting, i have been told i didn't make the cut. there were 8 spots for the position i applied for. the reason i was denied was simply a technicality. it came down to experience in 1 particular aspect of the job. the others who were offered a position were much more experienced than me in that aspect.

i expected to be extremely depressed if this were to happen. i've worked so hard for it. spent so much time agonizing over it. but i'm actually not that upset...i'm a little surprised. it's actually kind of a peaceful feeling.

it means the summer will be very hard because my wife is a teacher who is laid off from june-september, so the money would have been what really saved us from some hardship and stress. i still don't know how we're gonna pull it off. ironically, i feel that God is good to me in this news. not sure how. it really doesn't make sense to me, since i'm not an optimistic person by any stretch of the imagination.

don't get me wrong. disappointment still lingers, but it's more of a residue than a mud covering me entirely like i expected. perhaps i'm just numb from the shock of the whole process finally being over. i don't really know.

all i know is i feel okay. whatever comes later will come no matter what. i guess i'm not worried because i don't care. wow, what a useless post. i'll try to write something meaningful another time. k?

Life is...

2007-03-25T03:08:00.000-05:00

Just finished watching Stranger than Fiction for the 2nd time since it was released. I watched it with loved ones. Those I have come to enjoy spending time with the most. You know who you are (my wife is included, even though she went to bed early).

But seeing it again, I was left with the same feeling I had having seen it the 1st time...or a similar one. If you haven't seen it I would urge you to, just for the experience. It's not that complex. Very simple story about a very simple man who encounters the strangest situation that likely anyone you might talk to would ever experience. A narrator is dictating the very finest and most intimate details of Harold Crick's life and he eventually begins to hear her. Then, "little did he know", she very plainly announces his imminent death. Imagine his reaction.

My sister said she didn't feel like she had seen it for the 1st time tonight, although she had. She clarified that she felt like she pretty much knew almost the entire story based on the previews, and the rest fell together throughout the course of the movie (being predictable and all). You know what? She's right. There's nothing that suspenseful or tricky here. They revealed the crux of the story through ads and trailers. How could they not, given how simple it is? But I think there's more to it than just the story.

For me, this was a philosophically logical sequel to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you haven't read my thoughts on that, you can do so here (don't worry, it'll open in a new window...i'd hate you to leave this post in the middle of it ;-) . I'm not saying the story was similar, because it wasn't. Or even the characters, because they really weren't. But the messages they sent were very much 2 parts of the same philosophy.

Without giving away any of the story, because you really do need to see it, I'll say that it's very life affirming. It emphasizes all in life that we often take for granted that shouldn't be. Time spent with loved ones and with the activities that we most enjoy. This is the kind of relationship to our lives that I believe God wants us to have. No, the filmmakers wouldn't necessarily go in nearly that direction. But that's what I take away from it. There are these people and events in our lives that are extraordinary but are seen by many of us (not all) as ordinary on a daily basis. Actually, one of the people who genuinely do see them as what they are is also my sister (wish she saw that connection in the movie...yeah, i know you're reading this sis...). Then, after thinking about these things, for some reason Stranger than Fiction does for me become extraordinary and complex, with nuances that make me want to light a cigar and sit for 90 minutes to think about.

So, go. Get some Bavarian Sugar Cookies, invite some close friends and loved ones over, put the DVD in your player, and let the movie speak. What does your narrator say about your life???

Everybody Hurts

2007-02-16T21:46:00.001-06:00

i don't quite understand what's happening, but after reading a few things today i had to respond.

two of the most important women in my life are having a very difficult time right now, and i'm not quite sure what to do. there's my wife and my sister. i mean, yes, i believe in the power of prayer and will engage in that...but i really want to do something additionally.

i really can't think of what to do. normally i want my blog posts to be profound and to really say something but what they are going through isn't typically helped by words. so i have been resigned to writing something simple.

i want both of you to know that what you're experiencing in your lives right now is not just observed by those around you. well, perhaps i can't speak for everyone so i should just speak for myself. i want you both to know that my spirit is anxious for you. my heart is there with you. my prayers are there with you. neither of you could know what your influence in my life means, but it's foundational. i suppose the profound part of this post is what you both mean to me.

so, since i really have no words and would continue to babble endlessly if i didn't stop myself, i will leave you with this. please watch the entire video. the words are meant to express the things i'm feeling, and the images are meant to inspire you to hold on. this is no joke by the way, i don't joke when people i love are going through hard times. but at the same time i have my optimistic side, so take this as i intend it.

so here's the video, for tanya and helen. make sure your speakers are on and the volume is up...

Is this the best we have to offer?

2007-02-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

Well, we've done it again. Another film, based on a source written by a Christian, is being released. The description is as follows:

The Last Sin Eater
When a mysterious man "absolves" her grandmother's sins by eating bread and wine at her grave, 10-year-old Cadi wants the same redemption---while she's still alive! But in her quest for deliverance she uncovers a dark secret that threatens to divide her family. What will happen when the two face each other---and the One who can truly save them? Based on the award winning novel by Francine Rivers.

I don't think this is something we should really be trumpeting. Why can't we do better? This film is being promoted by Christian book stores and is being released as a "major" film.

I have a theory on this. I think we do have better content to offer and are doing so, but not necessarily on the same avenues. It's well known that Christians are involved in every facet of Hollywood productions. Involved in actual culturally relevant films, music, and tv. They may not have a controling interest in all situations, but their influence is pervasive and contributes significantly to the form that a lot of these works take.

This leaves the remainder. Those whose ideas fail to fall outside the box and can really only be given any positive buzz within the Christian community. While I certainly think the effort is noble, it falls far short of being relevant to anyone but Christians.

If many of our artists efforts only really make a difference when they're "preaching to the choir", are those efforts all 100% worth our time?

what is happening today?!

2007-01-06T19:05:00.000-06:00

so, i'm not sure what's going on today. i ran into 3 people from pretty different eras in my life (i'm only 28, how many eras could there be?).

first, from my rock start era, i ran into someone who i never really knew as well as i probably would like to. we always kind of make small talk and are friendly, but never "friends", whatever that means. it made me think about what my life was like then, and how crazy and passionate i was about my faith (and way more outspoken about my opinions).

then at the grocery store i ran into a friend of mine from almost ten years ago. she was a girl that i used to have a huge crush on (of course, i'm married now...hi honey!). it was one of those things. i knew her in high school, but didn't become friends until after that. but i still feel like we were really close friends and seeing her reminded me of a really good time in my life.

finally, a girl from high school that i kinda knew and was friendly toward, but we really didn't have much of a connection. it made me remember what kind of a wreckless and carefree person i was back then...good times.

i guess this is all to say that it all made me think about the experiences that have made me who i am today. i'm grateful for all that, and just thought i'd post it for the sake of commemorating the feeling...i guess.

wow, what a relatively meaningless post. sorry, i'll try to have something more significant next time.

Take the long way around the sea

2006-12-26T18:24:00.000-06:00

It's a little late for this, but it's a movie right? Timeless in it's appeal...?

The Nativity Story is pretty much what the title indicates. It begins with Mary, the woman who would be mother to Jesus, and the setting she comes from. We then see Joseph, the carpenter who falls in love with her. That's pretty much all I'm going to say about the story itself, if you're unfamiliar read the book of Matthew.

What I wanted to write about here was how I felt about the movie. I came out of the theater with a feeling about Christmas like I've never felt before. It reminded me of a feeling I've had before though...what was that? Why does this feel so familiar?...Oh, that's right, this is how I felt walking out of having seen The Passion of the Christ. As far as perspective goes, and meaning, this movie did for Christmas for me what Passion did for Easter. It brings things to life. It brings a humanity to the story that I never saw and still leaves the divinity in it.

Cinematically, I really had no complaints. The aspect that I thought was particularly well done was pacing. Not a single scene or aspect of the story felt either rushed or dragging. They address the whole story, beginning to end, and really don't leave out anything important. Since a few friends have seen it, they have pointed out a few things that were left out, but nothing that was crucial.

The cast is fantastic too. All of them seem like they have roots in the Middle East and are familiar with the mindset of those who spent their entire lives there. They are who they claim to be...at least for the 90 minutes the film runs.

What made the film most effective was most likely the spirit with which it was made. The whole thing really feels like there was love in it. There's a sincerity, authenticity, and definitely a reverence.

Like Passion, I will buy this DVD when it comes out and I will watch it once a year when the season comes. It reminds me that I believe in something real and yet very mysterious.

For everyone who likes Christmas (not "the holidays", not "the Season", but Christmas), go see this movie. I don't believe you'll be disappointed.

thoughts on leading a double life

2006-12-11T10:28:00.000-06:00

so i saw the departed again this weekend. it's still just as great.

but there's a thought that keeps recurring the more i think about the movie. it occured to me after the first time i saw it and still makes me think.

both leonardo dicaprio and matt damon do the same thing in the movie, but from the opposite perspective. damon is working for the mob and gets a job as a police officer supervising undercover work, while dicaprio is dedicated to his job as an undercover police officer and goes to work for the mob. they both lead a double life and seem to have to work equally hard on both fronts to make their performances for both the police and the mob believable.

this made me think about my life the way i'm currently living it. of course, i'm not a cop or tied to the mob in any way. but i am a Christian working in a place of employment where that's the least popular thing to be. as a result, i have endeavored to be true to my beliefs but at the same time be real with people and not "out" myself to too many. when i do "out" myself, i make sure that i do it in a such a way that doesn't antagonize people.

but as is the case with damon and dicaprio (and another example would be johnny depp in donnie brasco), the lines start to blur after a while. i've been trying so hard to maintain my "cover" while at the same time making sure my alter ego doesn't eat the real me alive.

if i had to defend this approach, i will admit i would have a hard time. but, i have come to the conclusion that, at the place where i work, this approach is best at the moment. those of you who believe in prayer are welcome to pray that i am doing the right thing and that I will not allow my faith to fade.

up next, i'm working on a review of the movie that's most recently impacted my life after i saw it for the first time. i'll have that ready soon...it's my review of the nativity story.

Hate Me

2006-10-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

This has been my favorite song lately. For those sensitive to it, I have to warn you that there is 1 curse word in this song, and I have included it in the lyrics posted here. But if anyone is gonna read this post please do me a favor and watch the video as well, the effect this song has had on me wouldn't have been as significant (if there was any effect at all) if I hadn't seen the video the first time I heard the song.

So please, read the lyrics (during or before seeing the video) and I hope my thoughts on this make sense. All lyrics are in italics and are found at www.azlyrics.com. (so if you want to scroll through the lyrics for now, go ahead and just scroll to the end of italics)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

I have been thinking a lot about why this song means so much to me. I'm pretty sure I can't quite describe the effect it's had on me. I actually kind of cry any time I see the video. I don't know if I'm misinterpreting the song, but I think the video makes that kind of hard to do.

As far as I'm concerned, the song is about developing habits and living in such a way that it actually hurts those who love you. Watching the video, you realize at some point that the words are being written after the fact, where the "character's" mother (there's no indication that this is based on real life experience of the writer) has died and the character is reflecting on what he has put his mother through. We'll call the character Justin.

Looking back, he's realizing that he has put his mother through some of the most awful hurt. One of the greatest metaphors I've ever heard is in this song, where he talks about the memories being like "movies in my head that make a porno feel like home". I look at the metaphor this way: porno movies are uncomfortable for most people to see, but Justin's memories disturb him so much that even porn is as comfortable as "home" in comparison. That's kind of intense. But Justin wishes none of this was happening. Part of him wishes his mom didn't fight so hard to help him, simply because it caused her pain that he wished she didn't experience. He wishes she could hate him, just to have peace. It's an ironic wish and is almost sarcastic, but it's the only thing he can think of so that his mom would have had a better life, since what he put himself through was clearly a choice resulting in causing her pain again and again. She loved him that much, but he never loved himself.

And now, when it's too late, he's finally beaten his addiction. It's what his mom fought so hard for. Now, the one line in the song that really hits home for me everytime is where he says "The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again." It's sad, because it's too late for that sentiment to actually make a difference for her, but the same is true of so many of us. We often don't realize what it takes to make a positive change in our lives until something as extreme as the death of a loved one shocks us into changing.

Look, I'm almost done here. If you can't even remotely relate to what this song is saying, then no amount of explanation is gonna change that. And that's ok. But this post is an expression for me and is for everyone who reads this (or not) who can relate to the concept of knowing that someone in their lives loves them enough that when they experience pain, or cause it for themselves, that loved one feels it just as much. A loved one who fights so hard to help, who holds our head up late at night, who tries to put a stop to our war against ourselves, who makes us compliment ourselves at precisely those times when compliments are the hardest things in the world to accept.

But in retrospect, we wish we knew "then" what we know "now". We wanna reverse time and the pain that we caused. We "kick shadows on the street", thinking of how our mistakes hurt people who loved us, and it's too late. And we don't really grow up until we see the pain in our loved ones for what it is.

The rest (and probably most of what I've written about) is probably pretty self explanatory. To those of you who've read this, thanks. If you watch the video or just listen to the song somewhere, thanks for that too. I've been rambling, and hopefully someday soon i'll think the better of all this and edit my thoughts here to something much more concise. I guess in a big way I write these posts cathartically, but in a small way I do it so I can share part of me with those interested.

Go, take 4 more minutes of your life and please watch the video by clicking it below.

Til next time...

For whom does the bell toll...?

2006-09-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm preparing to write yet another bit of observations about my favorite song lately called "Hate Me" by a band called Blue October. But while that's on the way, something just occured to me tonight.

I was at a friend's place celebrating a birthday and it's 9pm. As I'm sitting near a fire and catching up on old times with some people, I hear church bells. I don't know how many that will read this have heard church bells before, but it made me wonder why churches still ring bells. You have to hear these bells. They just kind of make me stop and think. It's beautiful.

The funny thing is that they make me think it's just one way that God could be using to remind us that, no matter what we're doing or how we're living our lives, "I'm still here." Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that they come from a church and they have that "church bell" sound, I don't know. Maybe that has everything to do with it. But I don't want it to be a trite kind of thing when I say that God wants us to know He's still here. I also don't think of it in a happy, "Jesus loves me" sunday school way. The bells sound almost eerie. It's night time, and there's a slightly cool fall breeze. Maybe the actual reason they ring is that the church they are located at wants people in the community to know that they are still there, and it might not be as sincere as I would like to think...

I'm not an optimistic person. Anyone who actually knows me would tell you that. But, when it comes to spirituality and faith, I tend toward the optimistic. Because of that, I am actually kind of hoping, as I hear the bells, that the reason they ring is because the church just wants to remind people about God being here for us. And I'd like to think that it is actually God speaking to my heart when I hear those bells. I don't feel close to him much of the time, as I used to. But I do believe that he doesn't drop loyalty to us as easily as we do to Him (or a faith we might have claimed once that we had).

And for that I am thankful.

Jesus Walks...the trilogy?

2006-09-20T08:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally did it. I wrote a series of posts about the Kanye West song "Jesus Walks".

It's important to note that these are my observations about the song and not the absolute fact. I do make assumptions about the interpretations I'm stating, but I wouldn't have a problem if someone proved me wrong.

Anything lyrical that's in parentheses is background singing. All lyrics are in italics and are sourced from http://www.azlyrics.com. I've got 3 posts about the song. Read what suits you.

1st verse

2006-09-20T08:22:00.000-05:00

We at war
We at war with terrorism, racism...
but, most of all, we at war with ourselves

God, show me the way, because the devil's trying to break me down

You know what the midwest is, young and restless
and restless niggaz might snatch yo necklace
and next these niggaz might jack yo lexus
somebody tell these niggaz who kanye west is
i walk through the valley of the Chi where death is
top floor the view alone will leave you breathless
Try to catch it, It's kinda hard
Getting choked by the detectives yeah now check the method
They be asking us questions, harass and arrest us
Saying "we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"
Huh? Yall eat pieces of shit? What's the basis?
We ain't going nowhere but got suits and cases
A trunk full of coke rental car from Avis
My momma used to say only Jesus can save us
Well momma I know I act a fool
But I'll be gone 'til November, I got packs to move I Hope
(Jesus Walks)

The first verse talks about the things some people go through in life. The "wages of war", so to speak. There's crime in the midwest, even in a city like Chicago, which not many would list amongst the most dangerous of American cities, Kanye West reminds us that nothing is really safe anymore.

There is still a lot of unreasonable harassment of black people at the hands of law enforcement. And then drug dealers. People whose families still hold out hope that they can be helped, but only Jesus can help them because they're invovled in things that are dangerous and are too far gone to be helped by anyone else.

Chorus and 2nd verse

2006-09-20T08:21:00.000-05:00

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long

To the hustlas, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers
(Jesus walks with them)
To the victims of Welfare for we living in hell here hell yeah
(Jesus walks with them)
Now hear ye hear ye want to see Thee more clearly
I know he hear me when my feet get weary
Cuz we're the almost nearly extinct
We rappers is role models we rap we don't think
I ain't here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers
I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way yall need Jesus
So here go my single, dog, radio needs this
They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus
That means guns, sex, lies, video tapes
But if I talk about God my record won't get played Huh?
Well if this take away from my spins
Which will probably take away from my ends
Then I hope this take away from my sins
And bring the day that I'm dreaming about
Next time I'm in the club everybody screaming out
(Jesus Walks)

The chorus says a lot. There are constantly things in some people's lives that threaten to distract them from other things they need to focus on. Or maybe they're running to save their lives. There are people that are so far gone that no good works can reverse the damage they've done to themselves or others. A lot of people in bad situations are desperate and want to cry out to God, but don't think they can anymore.

The 2nd verse makes it even more obvious that Kanye West wrote the song for people on the fringes of what's considered acceptable by society. The song is a reminder that, no matter what the circumstances, no one loses their humanity. Jesus sees everyone as people and wants to help them.

Then Kanye West brings the words closer to his own experiences. Everyone could use Jesus' help. And Jesus doesn't turn down anyone who asks it. It's something Kanye thinks our culture needs to hear. He believes that it's considered acceptable to talk about almost anything in entertainment and the popular arts except what may be most important.

But Kanye's drawing the line and saying that, despite costing him some airplay, he wants to get this message out. And, hopefully, despite being somewhat subversive, it will catch on to the point where everyone will love the song and associate the message with him.

Final Thoughts

2006-09-20T08:20:00.000-05:00

The song is on the first CD Kanye West released called "The College Dropout". Of course, Kanye West wasn't a popular artist before the album that had "Jesus Walks" on it came out. Despite what Kanye expected, millions of spins on popular radio and 3 different versions of the video later, people probably do scream out "Jesus Walks" when Kanye's in the club. I wonder if any of them take the song as seriously as I think Kanye meant it?

Then there's the remix of the song, with lines like God showed me the way, now the devil can't break me down. I finally talked to God, I ain't afraid cuz his love is so strong. This is part of what makes me think the song was meant to be taken seriously. Hopefully I've done it some justice.

Also, if you can handle a little cursing, I would also recommend the songs "Through the Wire" and "Family Business" (how you acquire them is entirely up to you ;-) The first of the 2 is about how Kanye got in a car accident and had his jaw wired shut because of the injuries. He actually recorded the song while his jaw was still wired shut! "Family Business" is about...his family. It's kind of self-explanatory, but a great song.

To those who got through these posts, this message is for you: thanks for reading! Feel free to comment citing how stupid or brilliant my interpretations are.

i am finally published

2006-08-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

well, it's been a long time coming. a while back i signed up to write some book reviews for an online journal. to be honest, it's probably not a big deal. but it does mean that i am on the internet (besides my blogs of course). i consider it a bit of a personal accomplishment. if you're at all interested in reading my first 2 reviews ever published, go ahead and visit the book review page at The Journal of Religion and Popular Culture. For those of you who don't know who I am, I wrote my reviews under the "pseudonym" Rudy Regehr.

What Weddings remind me of

2006-07-31T06:57:00.000-05:00

Well, the summer of weddings is almost over. I don't believe I've ever been to this many weddings in such a short stretch of time. All of the weddings involved friends and loved ones, sure, but to be honest I never wanna go to 4 weddings in 1 month again.

That said, I actually enjoyed each wedding more than I thought I would. And I had an unexpected surprise. Who would have thought that weddings, of all places, would make me think about my marriage? It's odd, in a completely non-subtle way, that weddings would cause me to reflect like I have been.

It's made me think about the significance of the commitment I made when I got married. It's made me think about how much I love my wife. It's reminded me that there is no one else in the world who I could imagine seeing day after day for the rest of my life and not get tired of it. That said, the routine of day to day life can make it very easy to put those things in the back of our minds (husband and wife).

So I guess the reason I decided to post this is because it's a bit of a recommendation. I recommend that married people attend at least 1 wedding a year, in case you find it holds the same experience for you (along with supporting the married friends whose weddings you're attending, of course). Not that this should be the only activity you undergo to renew the enthusiasm behind your commiment, but it is one. Worked for me, hope you find something that does for you. It's worth every minute!

in the meantime...

2006-07-26T08:38:00.000-05:00

ok, so believe it or not i am still working on the posts about the kanye west song. but in the meantime, i've noticed something on my wife's blog that i wanted to call attention to.

please read the post entitled "this weekend & week" from Monday, July 24, 2006. oh, alright...if any of you are too lazy to actually click the link on the right hand side of this page and look for the post, here's the direct link. the reason i want to cite this post is because i believe that it is a good example of prayer.

now, before anybody gets unnecessarily critical and makes any comments about the theology of the post, i should just say one thing: go away! for those of you still left, here's what i mean...it's very honest and openly vulnerable. it acknowledges that the audience is listening and interested and that the audience is very probably interested in responding (e.g. "talk soon").

i don't have much more to say about it, other than that i think if we could learn to integrate this approach in our own prayer lives, we would get more out of prayer and would have more vibrant and fulfilling prayer. this isn't the only way to pray, and there's no saying that this should only be one part of prayer, but i want tanya to know that i was very inspired by the post and i think any of you reading this should go over there and read the post with an open mind and then post comments if desired. it's worth the time!

Coming soon to a blog near you...

2006-06-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

Ok. So I just wrote a really long and droning post. But I have another one in the works. It's actually going to be in 3 parts. I will be reflecting on the song "Jesus Walks", by Kanye West. It's the song that got him nominated for a Stellar (gospel music) award...then the rest of the album got him de-nominated.

Stay tuned, I'll try not to dissapoint you completely.

Learning about love in The Good Girl and Thirteen

2006-06-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I just saw the movie Thirteen for the first time. It took me a while, but I finally saw it.

Now, this isn't a movie that a lot of people I know would enjoy. It's actually pretty provocative. But the movie said enough that it got me thinking. However, I didn't realize it was saying it until the end (which is when you should realize what a movie is saying, for the most part).

But this will not be so much a film review as a piecing together of my feelings after seeing it and taking 2 hours without thinking about it at all, just so I could come back and see things from a different angle, if necessary.

It's kind of a crazy movie, to tell you the truth. I'm not even sure I can summarize it. Um...you take a girl (Tracy) who is seemingly very untraumatized and living in a semi-happy family and then introduce into her life another girl (Evie) who is in the popular crowd at school and is living life on the edge and making it look very appealing. "What will Tracy do to get Evie's attention," I asked myself. Well, what I soon started asking is "What won't she do?" There's an almost immediate (emphasis on almost) transformation in Tracy's mind from revulsion at the way Evie shops for clothing to trying to outdo Evie so as to impress her.

Well, as you'll likely guess, things kind of spiral downward from there. Although one thing about Tracy is that she doesn't need much help in her downfall...she pretty much does most of it herself. And, as the film reveals, her life wasn't so untraumatized in the first place. It was more likely that her clean image was more of a mask than anything else.

What struck me most in the movie was Tracy's mother, played by Holly Hunter. The entire time that her daughter's personality is changing, the mom doesn't go the route that most parents would go. She kind of lets her daughter find her way and really doesn't do too much to step in until she realizes how bad things have gotten. Tracy does a lot of really awful, self-destructive things through out the movie (somewhat based on true events, by the way), but the scene that really hit home was at the end. Everything in Tracy's life has become revealed for what it is, but what her mother does is fight tooth and nail just to convey to her daughter the idea that she is behind her no matter what.

Spoiler alert: the next paragraph contains a really big spoiler about the movie. If you intend to see it, don't read this next paragraph!

The part that I'm talking about involves Tracy's mom finding out that, the entire time, her daughter has been cutting her arms in an attempt to vent the pain that she felt over a family situation. Her arm is cut up really bad and, by turn of events, her mom sees the arm. But instead of overreacting, or shutting down, her mom kneels next to her sobbing daughter and begins kissing the arm. It's one of the most moving scenes I've watched in a while.

Spoiler Paragraph Complete

The movie caused me to begin thinking about what a lot of people refer to as "dysfunctional relationships". Really, there are few of us that aren't, to some degree, dysfunctional in some part of our lives and our approach to relationships. But, dysfunctional or not, love is involved in many of those relationships.

Then I got thinking about The Good Girl. A lot of things happen in that movie, but the character that I could relate to the most was the husband to Jennifer Aniston's character (played by one of the best supporting actors in the world, John C. Reilly). He's what some would call a schmo and, at the beginning anyway, a really bad (read: inconsiderate, self-centered) husband. But then he realizes that the way he's acting is causing him to lose his wife. Then, just because he loves her, he gives up everything that drives her crazy and does his best just to be a better husband and show interest in his wife.

Love does not make relationships perfect. Just because a relationship has love invested into it, does not mean that it will shine as a glorious example. But what it does mean is that the relationship works. People support each other, they look out for each other, they try to bring the best out of each other. Investing earnest, selfless, love into all of our relationships is the only way to ensure that, no matter how many mistakes we make, it will always end up right.

It's not a revelation that I had, necessarily, given all that I've read about love in Scripture and elsewhere. It's just that it really reminded me that just because a relationship is dysfunctional, doesn't mean it's hopeless. With love in relationships, even though it may be broken it's still somehow part of one piece.

Passion and Faith

2006-04-16T05:21:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago I saw The Passion of the Christ. I was moved to tears by what I saw on the screen. Never before have I had such a potent visual of what may have happened to Jesus so many years ago. There were even segments that I felt I couldn't watch. I closed my eyes as they whipped and beat the character of Jesus in the film. That night I decided I would include this film in my commemoration/celebration of Easter each year. It still serves as a powerful reminder that He endured horrible events because He wanted us to be healed. This is not the kind of tradition that I would tell anyone they need to include in their lives, but I felt it would be helpful, along with the other things you hear and see in churches at Easter, for my reflection. I believe the death and resurrection of Jesus is real, and is historically true.

There are those who seem to seek any reason they can find not to believe in such things, however. Or, at least, not to believe in the Biblical accounts of such things (e.g. Jesus didn't really die during the crucifixion, Judas didn't betray Jesus, he was following Jesus' orders). I recently heard about the Judas story at work. I overheard 2 co-workers talking about it because apparently there was a big TV news story the previous night that investigated the issue. I hadn't heard about it until then.

If I'm being completely honest, I'll admit that hearing about that kind of thing made me at least a little upset. Why is it that people are always coming up with reasons why they shouldn't believe? These kinds of things haven't been common knowledge until now. There may have been other "evidence" that people have come up with for not believing, but if they already disbelieve, is there a need to seek out obscure and barely supported theories and come up with support for them? One document (referring to the Judas thing here) tells people that Jesus asked Judas to "betray" Him, and people are fascinated.

...Sorry, I somehow managed to slip into a rant without realizing it. Incoherent rambling belongs on my other blog. I included this post here because this blog is meant to underline personal growth, and the things that I find inspire such growth.
After I got over my reaction to hearing the 2 stories mentioned above (both of which I have just come across in the past week), I realized something that I thought was profound (notice: realized...this isn't something I feel I can take credit for). These stories are insignificant! Let the scholars dig them up, investigate them, debate them. They have a calling...a job to do. Many of them are gifted and do their job well.

What I have come to realize recently, among other things, is that the faithful of God need to focus on things that are more crucial to seeing that the Gospel is understood and applied. These stories are a distraction. I haven't quite figured out all that we should be focusing on, but at least part of it is communicating the love of Christ in many various ways. In the limited amount of success I have experienced in such communication, I have seen that the reaction is often one of astonishment (in varying degrees). If we focus on communicating the love and message of a risen Christ with the world, it will go much farther than winning even one debate or argument about the obscure things. Those things bear no threat other than what we allow them to.

I'll stop myself in the middle of my unintentional sermon to finish with a final thought. Another Easter has come, and is almost gone. I am grateful again to be reminded that there is something bigger to live for than what is immediately apparent.

Friends are Friends Forever

2006-04-12T19:14:00.000-05:00

i have recently been wondering what it's about to be a good friend. i have many beliefs, morals, and ethics that i try to stick to (and often fail), but one of the ones that i value most is loyalty. occasionally, a friend will get involved in something that is a very difficult situation and while there are things they could be doing differently to handle it, i want to stand by them no matter what. but what about when that involves some degree of personal risk?

there's a situation at work currently that involves two main people. 1 person is someone who is untrustworthy, a coward, and generally rotten. we'll call this person wiggum. the other person is a friend of mine whose friendship i value. we'll call the second person carl.

for wiggum's part, he has dug up as much dirt on carl as possible and has revealed these things to certain people with the goal that carl's credibility and reputation is completely ruined and will hopefully get fired or severely punished without possibility of any of privileges similar to what wiggum enjoys. wiggum also has far more power than is fitting for him to have.

carl has tried to respond with similar force. he has gone to the same people that wiggum has and discussed certain things about how wiggum carries himself at work. he has pointed out to the powers that be that wiggum is getting far too carried away with the power and privileges afforded him and has abused his position.

this past weekend, things escalated. carl went to a party and got a little too much party in him. being all full of "party" as he was, he made a mistake and called work requesting to speak with wiggum when he told wiggum just what he thought about wiggum's actions. this has resulted in punishment for carl.

while i don't dispute that this should be the case, wiggum is far to happy about what's happening to carl, wiggum has basically committed many of the same things that he has ratted on carl for, but has covered up his tracks significantly. because of wiggum's power, i have decided that i can only get involved in limited capacity. if i get too involved, it will possibly end up causing wiggum to try and dig up dirt on me and see that i get punished. my boss has warned me about this. but to what extent do i honor my friendship with carl? if i get privileged information relevant to his situation due to my own position, do i tell him this information with the risk that if the person who told me finds out it will back fire? i suspect the answer is no, but the problem i'm having is that it could really help carl.

anyway, this is all coming out completely differently than i expected and much less effectively. i'm kind of confused about things right now. i'm not really looking for advice, just kind of writing for the sake of working things out in my mind. if you read this and feel it was a waste of time, please feel free to ignore it and wait for something more worthwhile to read.

it's bound to happen eventually!

I Second that Devotion

2006-03-21T09:11:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about something in the car on the way home from work today. Hopefully those that read this blog don't mind being asked to be a sounding board for things that I'm mulling over.

I have heard Christians talk about thinking something is wrong with them because they really don't endure what they consider "persecution". Basically, the idea is that you're really not doing your job, as an evangelical Christian, if you're not even sometimes under fire for the "Christian" things that you believe. The logic there being that, naturally, any belief associated with Christianity will upset most non-Christians in the vicinity. They further speculate that perhaps they're not as much devoted to their faith if they're not seeing a noticeable amount of persecution.

Usually such a discussion will veer toward my question of "Well, what qualifies as persecution anyway?" I won't go there in this post. But what I thought about was one good reason for Christians to desire at least some people to be in their lives who confront them with challenges as to the validity of their beliefs as associated with Christian faith.

While this is most assuredly not an original concept, I think that reason can simply be stated as "devotion". It seems as though many of the people who cling most to their faith, and demonstrate devotion to it most fervently, is those who encounter something that is dangerous to them or their faith. The reason this occured to me is I was listening to a song by a rap group called "Westside Connection". I would never claim that anyone in the group is a Christian since I have no idea whether they are or not and the majority of their lyrics are somewhat obscene. However, the following words made me think:

"See, we all got problems but some need addressing. And so at night i hit my knees and begged him for my blessings, And ask him for forgiveness to minimize my stress , Nigga, continue to know how to dodge this Smith & Wesson, And with his help i will perform in my best, And it's still hard with all this temptation and testenin', If i'm wrong I Just accept it as a lesson"

The writer is talking about facing danger on daily basis and depending on God daily for protection and health. Also, he talks about how to approach mistakes made in that effort. While this doesn't necessarily that the writer is devoted, it's an illustration of what that kind of "persecution" can change in someone.

Maybe it's not sounding as profound as it did in my head, but I'd say if there's a reason to desire persecution, as Paul did (2 Cor 12:10), it's because you may find your faith becomes strong because of your weakness to hardship.

Eternal Sunshine: What the Heart Remembers

2006-03-17T00:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I have a friend. She may not realize that I still think of her as a friend, but I do. It's been so long since we've talked, but one thing that I know Shelly and I do have in common is that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (possibly translated: "Ignorance is Bliss") is our favorite movie.

Well, I don't know if it's my absolute, number one, all-time favorite...but I don't see why not either. When someone asks you what your favorite movie of all time is, how do you answer that question? It's never easy. I prefer to think of my top 5 all-time favorites (a la High Fidelity), but...absolute favorite? Whenever I try to answer the question, and a title comes to mind, I always think, "No, that one doesn't really meet this criteria".

So, anyway, I think Eternal Sunshine... may possibly be the all-time favorite. Why? There are so many reasons that I like it (great cinematography, great story, it's possibly Jim Carey's most real and human performance of all time, great editing, etc.). But it also has that certain indescribable quality that I just can't quite put my finger on that makes me think there's something profound in it. So here's my guess at what that might be:

a) No matter what, there is no obstacle that two people in a relationship cannot overcome given some persistance and patienceThis is most demonstrated at the end of the movie. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it yet, but intend to. But it's the kind of thing that communicates some sense of hope to anybody who has ever been in a long-lasting relationship and has wondered how anybody ever makes something last more than a couple of years. I could go on and on about the divorce rate in North America, spouting statistics and philosophies, but I won't. I'm sure it's harder for some than for others, but really I'm optimistic enough to think that most anyone could do it if they exercise certain methods...one of which is named in the movie.

b) What the mind may forget, the heart never willThis, to me, is the most recent profundity I have gleaned from seeing the movie again just recently (for the 4th or 5th time). I actually wonder if it's not the better of the 2. Then again, there's a general vagueness about it that makes me think twice. There's something very cliched in how I am thinking about it, in that it's like "All emotions and memories are part of the broader human experience and therefore make a person who they are, so they are valuable" But, as Joel is getting memories of Clementine erased from his mind, out of spite mind you, his heart tells him it needs to stop because even a few positive ones make the other ones (perceived as negative) worth holding on to. It's an all or nothing package (at least as presented by the movie). Really, how can we pretend that something was good just because we decide to remember only the good times? Why can't we realize that it was good in spite of, but with acknowledgement to, the bad times?

I haven't communicated the second one well, these thoughts are all kind of spilling out onto the page as I write them, but I think the movie does a much better job. Essentially, for the second one, even though you try and possibly succeed in erasing the bad experiences you had in relationship to someone or something, your heart will always remind you that it's possible to love someone as a whole package. Why not? Some people treat you that way (though you may not see it).

As the last memory of Clementine is being erased, Joel's heart makes one final attempt to plant a seed that will survive the demolition, in the form of the Clementine that is still barely alive. It comes in the form of a whisper: Meet me in Montauk. If you haven't seen the movie, I would strongly encourage (no, shout at) you to obtain it, open your mind, and give it a chance. I believe it will hold suprises for you.

Meaning

2006-03-12T07:56:00.000-06:00

This is actually a post that may be more fitting for my other blog, but I haven't posted here in a while.

Every year around this time, the same things occur to me. We are in the season of Lent. Many people celebrate Lent. I'm sure some more sincere than others, but that's not easy to determine. I have had several discussions (sometimes arguments) with people who participate in Lent a certain way. I don't know if I'm way off or not, but most of it doesn't strike me as being meaningful.

I'm not sure if those who I've come across that celebrate the season have done any research, but the common approach to observing Lent in North America is to give something up. That is just the traditional thing to do, regardless of why Lent exists or the reason it began. But, fine, I won't argue with that angle (if you're curious about Lent, you can always do a little research...the internet is your friend).

It's not the common North American approach to observing Lent that I necessarily have qualms with anyway (even though it is seemingly half-hearted). What I normally have difficulties with is what people give up. Almost everyone that I have personally spoken to about what they give up is usually giving up something that isn't that hard for them to do so. For example, someone who talks about the majority of TV programming being unhealthy is often the person who gives up TV for Lent. It would be like me giving up pizza pops. I like pizza pops, but really don't find a craving for them ever.

It's not my intention to be judgemental about people who observe Lent. I'm 100% sure there are those who take it very seriously and part with something that they can barely stand to give up for the very long month-and-a-half, using that time for deep reflection. I'm also sure that many who give up what isn't even that difficult for them also have good intentions. However, I do question exactly how meaningful it is for someone to give up McDonald's when really, even though they eat there once a week on average, they don't like it anyway and only go there because it's on their way home from work.

Lent isn't about proving something to yourself. It's not about finding out how much restraint you have or pushing your own limits for the purposes of self-betterment. If someone were to do even the smallest bit of research on Lent they would find out that it's about far more than just giving something up...or even being hard on themselves when they fail miserably at it. If you won't do it to honor of the meaning it originally had, why bother?

Selling the Gospel

2006-02-19T00:02:00.000-06:00

i went to see a presentation tonight. the people behind a new magazine called geez were presenting some ideas about commercialism and how the Church has made use of it.

they actually used very few concrete examples of what the Church has done in terms of advertizing/commercialism, but they did show us a few pictures of "Christian" t-shirts. i sometimes wonder about the intentions of the companies that manufacture/design these types of apparel and i have seen many examples of them (mainly because i used to work at a company that helped distribute Christ-wear).

well, one of the examples they showed us was the one you see at the left of this post. right at this moment, a few hours later, i still don't quite understand my reaction to the design. i didn't have any thoughts as an intellectual reaction to what i saw. but i had the most unexpected physical reaction to it. i actually felt sick all of a sudden. like...nauseous. they showed a second design that i really had no reaction to, whatsoever. and other designs i've seen previously, while i have thought that they were extremely ridiculous, have never made me feel ill. but this one was different.

when the presenters asked for comments about the "sweet Jesus" design, i expressed my reaction out loud. someone else in the audience asked me why it made me sick and i couldn't quite explain it. i still have to guess about it.

what it comes down to is i can't quite explain it. and i don't want people to think it's a judgement on anyone (wondering about the company's intentions isn't exactly a judgement), especially not on the people that wear these kinds of designs. but, i honestly don't believe Christ-wear does the Church much good, if at all.

just my opinion, i guess...

Rediscovering the Potential to Be Compassionate

2006-02-10T19:02:00.000-06:00

so, i work at a call center. those of you who know me know which one, so i won't say. but i do tech support. i've been there for just over a year now and talk to a lot of different kinds of people.

talking to a lot of people tends to numb you to some extent. after a while it's easy just not to really care whether or not you fix these people's problems. i mean, you still give it your best (for the most part), but you start telling yourself that it's not really your problem. especially when people get short with you or they get mad and tell you that you are bad at doing your job. i mean, honestly, if you ever call someone for tech support i wouldn't recommend telling them they're incompetent, even if they are, because at that point any help they could offer you is out the window. you'll get cut off faster than you can say "microsoft".

but a few nights ago i got a call that surprised me. i've had one or two calls like this before, and i think i have the same reaction every time. it started out normally, i got the person's phone number...then his name. right away my heart filled with dread. i had a studderer. i mean, i work in an industry where emphasis is on having short calls times (at least, as short as possible). and tech support calls can sometimes take a long time depending on various factors. when you get a studderer on the line, it's easy to think "oh man, this is death".

so my first instinct was "get this guy off the phone as soon as possible". but then i got that unexpected reaction. i started to envision all the other people this guy might have to talk to in his life (people in customer service type jobs). i envisioned many of them getting very impatient with him. seriously, he wasn't a mild studderer. it was pretty bad.

my intolerance went away pretty quickly. i felt so bad for things i thought at first and for this guy. he just wanted some help because his e-mail password wasn't working. thing is, the last person he spoke to at my center was earlier that same night. they reset his password for him and didn't even stay on the line to find out if he was able to make it work. who knew if his password was even the problem? maybe he was spelling his user name wrong. maybe he would spell the password they gave him incorrectly.

so i reset it again for him and gave him his new password, but it wasn't working for him. i stayed on the line with him for a few minutes, and made sure we spelled his username and password letter by letter as i read his user name out to him, and then he could login to read his e-mail.

the dude was so happy. he said thank you several times for taking him through it. i guess the point of the story is that i got a profound feeling that occasionally what's really a small matter means a lot to someone. even with all the calls i take, i was amazed at how talking to this guy was important because you could kinda tell that most people don't take the time (what normally would have taken only 4 or 5 minutes took about 15...which seems like a long time when you're doing something menial).

i didn't really think i cared about my job anymore, or about people. i don't think this is sounding as profound as it felt, but hey...it's my blog.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Summary of my thoughts

2005-12-19T01:23:00.000-06:00

yes, if you've been reading my other blog (see links on the right), you'll know by now that i saw the first (hopefully not the last) installment of the narnia films. now, i will try to keep this post short so that you all have time to read the next one below this, but there's some background that i want to add.

i can't remember exactly when i first read the book, but it was quite some time ago. i have have enjoyed the writing of c.s. lewis for as long as i can remember and i think it's very effective. he has a way of capturing the audience that his books are intended for and holding their attention in a very enduring way...even after they have put the book down and are doing something else.

i some ways i think the child within him was always very much alive and didn't get suffocated by adult concerns at any point, like it is with some of us. instead, because he is so in touch with that child and what inspires the boy inside him, the narnia series is a group of books that you could read again and again and, i think, always find hope and encouragement in it.

this is really how the movie made me feel. while i didn't "cry" during either the really sad or really happy scenes, i was very frequently "misty eyed" through the entire movie because it was moving. the images were very real and confronted you with the concept that there is more to life than just what we know in our own little world.

i think i will have to watch the movie often because i came out of the theater feeling something i haven't felt in a very long time: there is hope. no matter what the battle or obstacle we face, there is the very good possibility that we will overcome and that there is a very real person who is on our side and has the power to bring about the kinds of things that we can't.

*possible spoiler alert* (skip this paragraph if you have never read the book and intend on soon seeing the movie...which is a sequence of action that really isn't recommended anyway). there are times (like when the witch wanted to claim the life of edmund the traitor) where aslan intervenes and is capable of making an arrangement with the witch that no one else really could to save edmund's life. but there are also times when aslan is comfortable with letting the children deal with their side of things (like when peter faced the maugrim, captain of wolves, and he declared "peter will have to fend for himself, this is his battle"). while it may seem unfair, i think God does the same thing. there is value in us fighting some of our own battles, but there are times when we need to call for His help and he intervenes on our behalf. then there are also times when we will fight our battles with Him at our side (if we ask Him to be there), and defeat life's difficulties that way). okay...so i opened a can of worms here...much more could be said about this, points and counterpoints, but won't...and i'm comfortable with that.

so i had a very positive experience with the movie in general. the cast was fantastic. i particularly liked peter and lucy the most out of the 4 children, but they were all very good. perhaps they could have gotten a deeper voice for aslan (or electronically deepened liam neeson's voice), but i'm fine with that (unlike friends i have who took major issue with that aspect). i thought the villains were very effective as well. the child in me was actually kind of scared of the wolves and that little dwarf at the witch's side was a complete jerk.

the only out-standing complaint i had about the movie was that there is a very significant (not in length, but in weight) section of dialogue from mr. beaver that occured just after the children went to his house that was missing from the movie. it was about what kind of lion aslan is. a little bit of the description sneaks its way in at the end of the movie (almost as though they sensed some of us would object to the whole thing not being in there), but it's mostly missing

except for that, the movie is quite faithful to the books and even includes a lot of the spiritual things that lewis wrote about in a not-so-covert way. it will quickly make its way into my DVD collection when it comes out...and by then i will have seen it at least another time, if not two!

(so much for trying to keep this short, read the next one anyway...even if you have to do it later)

Johnny Cash, we hardly knew ye

2005-12-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

i saw "walk the line" a few days ago. now, i am a big johnny cash fan (not as big as a friend of mine). so the movie was of a particular interest to me. i anticipated it for quite some time.

what i was anticipating was a movie where apparently the main actors sang all their own songs and were very good at emulating the people they were supposed to be. i was told, by media sources, to expect authenticity and any clips i saw of the movie left me very hopeful.

what i got was a movie where the main actors sang all their own songs and were very good at emulating the people they were supposed to be. i got authenticity and the hope i had during my anticipation of the movie was not disappointed.

the movie does leave one wanting for a portrayal of the rest of cash's life, but there was a section of his life that, from what i've read from cash's own words, was very well represented in this movie. i say "represented" not "exactly copied", because i'm sure there are some things that were embellished or concocted (at least a little).

what i left the movie with was the overwhelming sense that we need people in our lives who are on our side in order to bring balance and reason to us when we can't find those things ourselves. i also left the movie with the sense that we need to be ourselves and do things that we're good at in such a way that makes the most sense and is the way that is most natural for us. we can't force ourselves to do things in a way other than that, even if people tell us that other people aren't going to like it.

it's rare and valuable to find something that you're passionate about and be able to do it in the way that you feel it's best to do. but johnny cash did just that. when people told him that he shouldn't be singing what he does, he did it anyway. when people told him that dressing all in black is too depressing, he did it anyway. when people told him that he shouldn't play concerts for maximum security prisoners because, somehow, the crimes they committed earlier in life disqualified them from being part of general humanity and that they didn't deserve to be shown compassion and empathy, he did all of that. for that, he is and was a legend and has things to say that are, in some ways, more valuable than other musicians...christian or not.

but, perhaps more importantly, johnny cash was a historical icon who wasn't trying to be a historical icon. he was simply just trying to be himself and use the gifts that God gave him to make a positive and real contribution to society in general.

i wouldn't write this if it wasn't a recommendation to see "walk the line" (and a strong recommendation at that), but it's more of a recommendation to listen to the songs johnny cash recorded and read about his life and who he was, especially "cash" by johnny cash. it's worth every second.

joaquin phoenix for best actor, reese witherspoon for best actress.

coming next...

2005-12-16T09:22:00.000-06:00

i really don't know if more than 2 people are reading this thing regularly, but for those who do...i thought i would let you know what's coming up:

my next 2 posts on this blog will be reflections on some movies that i've seen recently that i've found particularly inspirational and encouraging: the first installment of Narnia, and Walk the Line.

i am hoping these posts will be finished in the next couple of days, so stay tuned.

where it's at

2005-12-06T18:43:00.000-06:00

as much as a i hate to admit it, cranky mom is right. i created this blog as a more introspective alternative to my other one. well, that was before i got fired from my last job.

after getting fired, my inspiration pretty much disappeared. and i'm not one to force inspiration. but, i could just post where i'm at currently. honestly i'm feeling completely depleted. i'm kind of lost in regard to what i should do with my occupation.

i was really happy to know what i wanted to do with the rest of my life when i was in the 9th grade. the plan all came together well. and every step worked out until i graduated from Bible College. that's where everything kind of stopped flowing properly.

i didn't get any of the jobs i applied for (or was even interviewed/considered for any of them). what i have reduced my life to is simply paying the bills. don't get me wrong. this is how many people live their lives (including my parents), and i don't think it's any less honorable than anything else. but it wasn't what i felt my calling was.

now i feel forced to think my calling has either changed or isn't what i thought it was. i have come to accept that, though. i am absolutely happy to think that my calling is different than what i thought it was. what still leaves a lack of satisfaction is not knowing what my calling is. am i a writer?

the problem is that my life feels incomplete. there seems to be a void and i believe strongly it's in the occupation department. i feel like there's something i should be doing that would make better use of the gifts and strengths God gave me...what that is is what i'm in the process of trying to understand.

welcome

2004-11-25T18:03:00.000-06:00

welcome. this is gonna be the home to my issues, issues i'm still working through and issues i think i've resolved. i hope some of you find it meaningful. feel free to interact.