arrival night

we’ve just recently come back from night prayer. i’m just realizing it’s possible that this weekend may be a time to figure out what’s wrong with me. i actually had hoped to think about some very specific things during this time. things like plans that my wife and i are making for our family for the next year or so. i guess it’s possible that i may still get to reflect on that (please). however, it seems like ever since i’ve been coming to st. benedict’s table i lose control over my emotions during liturgy. right around the time our priest encourages us to confess our life to Almighty God, and reminds us that no matter how many times we fail, God calls us home “again, and again, and again”...i lose it. even as i write this i’m tearing up. what the hell is my problem? i couldn’t get through a few words of night prayer (just another version of a quick liturgy) without almost weeping in front of everyone. i don’t know what’s going on but i think there’s something big that i’ve been neglecting. something i accidentally buried deep down inside and it’s being dug up. is this from God? i honestly don’t know. i’ve decided that tonight will be time to take a shower, then spend some time in the chapel and just let things happen. i pray that i start understanding this soon.