fatherhood so far

life is a funny thing...

ever since i was a very young boy, i've been crazy about girls. i still remember what i believe was my first crush ever. it was in nursery school. today, that girl is a woman who's become a gold medal winning olympic athlete. i'm sure that's another story altogether. as i was saying...my first actual "girlfriend" was in kindergarten. back then, having a girlfriend meant a girl you spend a lot of time with. we kinda did that for 3 years. after that, i didn't finish chasing girls until i got married. holding girls' hands was really exciting when i was in jr. high. it was always just a thrill if i spent time with girls. i didn't even think past that point (until later). i've never figured out why. i was just always worried about gaining their acceptance, trust, and affection. even today, if given the choice between hanging out in the company of females i get along with and guys i get along with...well, it wouldn't be much of a choice.

i reflect on all of this, and pretty much need it, when trying to understand why i care so much about the way my daughter sees me. my daughter's a mommy's girl, which i've come to accept. i honestly believe every child, adopted or biological, has to pick a favorite parent. since our daughter spends so much time with the warden, that's a pretty easy pick. i'm cool with that, because in a few years it's going to be more meaningful, and i think the warden will really appreciate it. that said, it's still kinda weird when the little girl is indifferent toward me. all the more, when we're watching TV together and she cuddles up or reaches out to take my hand...my heart races. when we're putting her to bed and she gives me a hug and a little kiss, it makes my day...even if she wipes her mouth after the kiss (lol).

when i got married, i thought my days of chasing after girls were over. 9 years after that, we adopted a little girl who changed the meaning of chasing girls for me. it's different now, but strangely for the rest of my life i'll be chasing her and constantly being worried about gaining her acceptance, trust, and affection.

...life is a funny thing.

love stinks

went to see he's just not that into you last night. with a huge cast and many different story lines, it was hard to know what to think going in. i've heard good things about it, so let's just say i was cautiously optimistic.

i think each character made a valuable contribution to the overall concept of the movie. i'm not sure it has a "story", although there are many stories in it, but it was well constructed. let's face it, the whole huge cast/multi-story line thing has been done a fair bit. sometimes it's a raging success, but sometimes it falls flat on its face. there is the tendency to let too many stars overshadow what the thing is actually trying to say. but i don't think this movie was guilty of that. it was pretty unassuming, not focusing too much on those who would normally be big stars. instead, the movie focuses on its most important characters.

i'd say the most important characters in this movie are gigi and alex. it's not just that what happens between them is important, but that i think a good portion of the message being sent was being sent with their dialogue (both individually and when sharing a scene). mind you, this movie has a lot of things to say...primarily about love. the joy it inspires, the pain it causes, the insanity it drives one to, and the stupid things people do in its name.

overall, i'd call it a keeper. it has its drawbacks, such as one particular line delivered by ben affleck, but those are minor when viewed with the whole. the ending sees 2 major story lines (ok, maybe they were only major imo) closed in a very moving fashion. this is appropriate because it really wraps things up nicely.

if you love relationship philosophy, or if you hate relationships, i would recommend giving this a chance.

the problem of pain

ok, so i've been reading C.S. Lewis lately. i especially love reading him while smoking a good cigar. when i realized that i lost the motivation to do any writing and got scared that i was losing interest too, i decided to start getting back to reading. it seemed that i was writing more when i was reading a lot.

i've been reading donald miller. a good friend recommended blue like jazz. that book changed my views on reading. it changed a lot. i feel like i grew as i read the book. that led to prayer and the art of volkswagon repair. more really good miller. it's not blue... but it's really good. i also read more pop culture titles. 50x50 (50 by 50) is mostly photo driven auto-biography by 50 cent. angry blonde, which is basically the story behind all the lyrics on eminem's first major album; written by the man himself. if dr. dre wrote a book i would buy it in a heartbeat, although i am tempted to get the biography written about him. can't wait for detox, if it ever comes out.

this brings me back to Lewis. while i haven't read all the books written by him, i decided to instead revisit ones that i've read previously. i went back to Narnia and finally finished the horse and his boy. i stopped at prince caspian because the warden said she wanted to read it before she saw the movie...she hasn't been reading it (!!!). after Horse, though, i moved to the space trilogy he wrote, Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength. see, both my narnia chronicles collection and my copy of the space trilogy are found in the form of unabridged compilations, so i just read through the whole thing.

i ate through ...Planet and Perelandra like they were nothing. such brilliant storymaking. the battle between ransom and weston in Perelandra had me feeling sympathetic with ransom's feelings of incompetence. made me reflect on my own capabilities. i've recently started ...Strength and it made me want to write again. it's what i would definitely call one of Lewis' master works. i'm only at the beginning, but as i feel the story take shape and know that something big is developing, i feel anxious.

all of this, everything i read, kinda makes me wish something big was developing in my life. it feels like it was developing when i was in college. then, after graduation, it kinda feels like all development stopped. like someone was writing my story and hit a bad case of writers block. now, since i have a wife and child, i am working to pay the bills and i don't feel secure persuing the story that was developing. i feel like another story began. one that you read a few chapters of and put down because it just isn't going anywhere.

i'm not feeling sorry for myself here, and certainly am not soliciting any of that kind of thing from anyone who might be reading this. so if you're going to comment in that kind of theme, please just save it and pray for me instead. i'm simply saying that reading and re-reading some the best books i've ever read, books that are sincere and compelling, is why i'm writing this post. it's really made me reflect on what's going on.

...that and it gives me something to do while i smoke a cigar that takes an hour to finish.

comatose

yeah, i'm writing here. part of me has been asleep for a long time. without trying to make excuses i'll just say that i don't bother trotting it out most of the time anymore because nearly everyone at work wouldn't see the point and the warden isn't interested.

i suppose it's likely true that i fancy myself more sufficient intellectually than i actually am. like most things i try but can't seem to measure up to some peers.

irregardless, i've got a post cooking and will hopefully get it posted here in the next day or two. it won't be significant, but i'm starting to awaken a little. in the next post i'll explain why i think that is.

i am intrigued

WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN I AM LEGEND YET, BUT PLAN TO SEE IT, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO READ THIS REVIEW UNTIL YOU DO SEE IT.

so, if you've read my most recent post on my other blog you know that i saw i am legend. it took a while, but i finally saw it. i got in late but i don't think i missed much.

the movie deals with several complex themes. first, that i noticed, man's best friend. robert neville's dog, samantha, became his hunting partner and best friend. his only friend left. this created a little bit of a problem. when the dog got into a fight with an infected dog, and finally died because robert gave her a dose of the cure that kills quickly, all of robert's remaining hope died with her. so much so that he gave up his will to fight. the scene where the dog died was heartbreaking, but the scene where robert lured out infecteds so kill as many of them as possible was heartwrenching. his dog's death left him only with desperation. that's when one realizes that the dog represented robert's reason for the hard work he put into finding a cure. work that he was willing to throw away when the dog died because he allowed that event to make him think that he was the only immune left in the world. so what did it matter? what was left? take your agression and loss of hope out on infected zombies and then let other ones tear you apart and kill you.

but then there was the unexpected glimmer of light that was brought by the immune woman and her child that rescued him. unfortunately it was too late. by this point robert spent so much time without other human companionship that he was no longer prepared to re-integrate into some form of society. i don't think his failure to believe in the possibility of a colony was brought on because he couldn't find faith. i think his failure to believe was because he spent so much time allowing himself to be convinced that he was alone that he no longer cared about the possibility of that colony that confronted him in the form of someone who heard his message. but, by the end, he was willing to avoid allowing all that work to be wasted. if there is the possibility of a colony of immune people, however remote, he needed to do something. that remaining effort took a spark. that spark was created when he realized he created the cure and found out how to make it work. if that was possible, and becoming reality, then all the possibilities that he lost hope in were not quite out of the question. i'm tempted to think that in the moment before his death, he didn't just regain hope. he didn't just regain faith. he knew that his original hope was correct. he was right all along and now he needed to make that a reality.

i suppose it's the final ending of the film that i'm most conflicted about. it's an appropriate ending, don't get me wrong. life doesn't always work out the way you think it should. robert died but left behind a legacy of hope for humanity. it's probably the way the movie should have ended...but it still left me feeling a little empty. the course of the film spends time convincing us to like robert and relate to him. we're hoping beyond hope that he will see the fruit of his labor. even see his wife and daughter again, in the colony. when his heart breaks at the death of his dog, our heart breaks with him. we almost have a relationship with him.
we have little to no relationship with anna (the immune that rescued him). we don't dislike her. after all, hers is the voice of faith. she believes in things that are beyond her control. but we don't have that relationship with her. although at the end i'm relieved to find that her belief in the colony was correct, i'm slightly less happy about it because robert isn't there. if i can find a flaw in the story, and i usually don't see flaws in films as easily as the jaded skeptics i keep company with, it would be that robert didn't get to see what anna did.

after i see a movie i always go through a process of deciding whether or not i will eventually buy it on DVD. sometimes it's not even a question. sometimes i know i will buy it, sometimes i know i never will. in this case i'm still not decided. there are so many emotions involved in the movie i don't know if i could get through it again. i was depressed when the dog died. but then i think i want to see it again, and again, and again...if only to gain a better understanding of what it says. not to mention to again find an appreciation of the acting, the cinematography, and the art of it. i had a similar indecision when i first saw the departed.

if you know me you know how that one worked out...

double-sided coins can be treacherous

double header this weekend. 2 movies, 2 very different perspectives on the world. since they are so different and no small amount of words would do them justice, i will post the "reviews" seperately.

beginning with...

all the "magic" in the world can't stop them!

movie 1 was august rush. what was i expecting? not much. i knew what it was basically about going in. it's not a complicated plot. 2 people meet and fall in love. they have one "magical" night in new york on the rooftop of some building and then, despite all their efforts, part ways. she got pregnant (i will refer you back to the "magic") and the baby ends up being given to the state. boy grows up and searches for his parents. i'm leaving out a bit, but that's the gist of it.

what did i get? much more than i was expecting, i'll tell you that much. more than any other movie i recall seeing, music became a character in this movie. see, the 2 people who got "magic" together were both musicians (she was a little bit classic, he was a little bit rock and roll). the kid then ends up hearing music in his soul without even really understanding it and basically can play and compose almost anything (like mozart). he then inadvertently follows the music to the city that his parents "composed" him in. anyway, throughout the movie the music kinda speaks. it's spooky in a way and, as the warden put it, can give you chills.

some of the human players aren't bad either. freddie highmore is a great actor and demonstrates a maturity that is shared by few child actors (hailie joel osment comes to mind). as the 2 "magic" makers, keri russell and jonathan rhys meiers are pretty fantastic (didn't really have respect for keri before this movie). then there are the supporting roles...the most notable ones are terrence howard and robin williams (mykelti williamson isn't bad either, but he had a less significant role).

in the end i would recommend this to pretty much anyone whose heart isn't completely and hopelessly made of ice and brick. those who consider themselves lovers of music should either see this in theaters or, at the very least, make damn sure that a DVD viewing is supported by 5.1 or 6.1 surround (don't bother with 2.0...just entertain yourself with an etch-a-sketch). this movie is an experience that i won't quickly forget.

my review of movie 2 is next...

the good gangster

movie 2 was american gangster. ok, my expectations of this one were high. i wouldn't say i was disappointed...but my expectations weren't exactly justified either.

the movie stars denzel washington and russell crowe. neither of these guys are exactly "amateurs" of their craft. these are 2 very good actors. i will still fight anyone who says that denzel's oscar for training day wasn't quite deserved. i don't care how good you say you think he was in that movie, if you don't say he deserved the oscar you're just flat out wrong. there will be no discussion on this, only curse words and fists (hey...wasn't this blog supposed to be more gentle and sophisticated???). in either case, there's some very good acting represented by this cast.

it's based on the true story of frank lucas, a gangster in 70s new york who, if this movie is even half-way accurate, brought an amazing amount of heroin into new york. this guy was like the sony or nike of drugs when it came to the quality of product he represented. his strategy was simple: make the quality of heroin superior to anyone else's product and sell it for half the price of any competitors. made him a lot of money. until a cop named richie roberts figured out who was behind the drugs and brought him down, the difficulty of which was only complicated by the fact that he had to fight his own "brothers in blue" who had no faith in him and a partner who became a victim of lucas' pure horse. but when roberts does win lucas does something very surprising...you'll have to watch to find out.

it wasn't a bad movie. it was very entertaining and the acting was good. but there's something about it that left the whole of the experience somewhat unsatisfying. i still can't put my finger on it, but i think it has something to do with denzel. it's possible that this character was too smooth. he was even kind of normal, not eccentric like a lot of gang kingpins. there are actually some subtleties about the movie that i'm gonna have to mull over after seeing it again. for instance, there was the fact that both lucas and roberts rose to the top of their game through similar circumstances, their peers were kind of against them...had no faith in them.

anyway, my favorite part of it was at the end when lucas comes out of prison and you get the sense that director ridley scott gave spike lee a call for advice. lucas walks out of the prison doors and all the traffic on the street, the entire world that he's now no longer familiar with, zooms past and around him to the tune of a public enemy song. i love the shot, it's fantastic.

see this movie if you like gangsters, violence, or cops-and-robbers type dramas, you should see this. but, like me, maybe you have to see it twice to appreciate its idiosyncrasies.

blogging is dead and so am i! (2nd post here within a week!)

well, as i look around me i'm noticing something: no one really likes to blog anymore.

true, i haven't visited any of my friends' homes on the internet in quite some time so maybe my interest in blogging died too (but, wait, i'm writing this). but i'm realizing that most people just don't post anymore (and haven't since the spring of this year).

someone i actually quite admire recently said on his own blog that the internet is too overrun with blogs and stuff being written by "useless buffoons". but perhaps it's because those buffoons are only blogging because they can (not a good reason to blog IMO...yeah, that's right...i left out the "H"!).

blogging still means a hell of a lot to me, but mainly because i feel that not writing would lead to the slow suffocation of my own intellect so i can't, i won't, and i can't let that happen! thus i am making this the first ever double post. yeah...i'm posting this on both my public blogs (i have a private one too...but that's there for other reasons).

if blogging is dead i have to focus on one thing: please don't let it happen to me!

***this nonsensical jabbering brought to you by the letters H and Q

Out of the Silent Planet

Out of the Silent Planet

Well, I guess the only way that I'm going to write a post is to be completely honest. So here it is...

I haven't felt like I've heard God speak to me in quite a long time. This is something that I've been thinking about lately. I think I even kinda forgot what he sounds like.

There used to be a certain place I go to and I could actually feel like He's nearby. Now, when I go there, it feels like I'm completely alone.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is an intentional silence. Like he's left me to fend for myself for a while. I guess I'd be ok with that if that's what it was. To be completely honest, if I knew that was the case I'd wait it out and see what happens.

But if that's what it is, why not give me some warning? Like "Hey, You're not gonna hear from me for a while but don't panic. I'll be back after you learn some valuable lessons." Unfortunately I don't think that's the case here.

Then my mind tries to process this. Have I been more bad than I used to be? I've always had some guilt/conviction about the quality of my "walk". But even when that was the case, and justified, I still had "the voice".

Now, when my heart and mind are quiet, I hear barely anything. Maybe an echo of what I once heard, reminding me that it's still not really there. I'm sure I'm being melodramatic, but it's really starting to feel like I'll be "on my own" for good.

To be honest I'm starting to feel like King Theoden in Lord of the Rings and I'm wondering if something will eventually bring me out of this. What was that expression about being "up" a certain creek without a paddle?

the night watcher

hey, you still out there?

i haven't posted here in a long time, but i've had a few ideas cooking. i'm not even sure people are checking anymore (i don't blame you).

well, if i get a few comments i swear i'll make one of my recent ideas materialize here.

the preacher

i went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago. it was a friend of the family. kind of a young guy, couldn't have been much more than 40. he had huntington's disease. it attacks the nervous system or something.

but i was at the funeral in my parents' church (a place i was happy to get away from) and the guy delivering the message is someone who i've never been a fan of. i always found his sermons to by really dry and devoid of anything useful. i was quite certain it would be yet another "we're sad, but we should be happy because he's in Heaven now," type of things.

then he spoke.

this was the kind of sermon that took huge guts. because of the nature of the last years of the departed's life, being sick and all, he related the situation to Job. but it wasn't something i expected. he started by talking about how this wasn't going to be "that kind" of sermon. he talked about the situation Job was in when he lost everything. and he didn't just talk about it, he practically painted a picture. talked for a little while about how Job lost everything; his wife, his kids, his life (well almost), and his faith (again, almost). he talked about how he sat in the dust. how Job's friends gradually wore him down and made him feel miserable.

then, the preacher took us to the reason we were there. yes, the man we were mourning actually suffered. yes, it was painful. but he held on to his faith. and where was God? just as Job asked..."Where have you been?!" but then he said something that i kinda predicted because i knew it was true. God was in the hearts of the many people that sat with the departed while he deteriorated. guys that came over to the care home that the departed was in to watch monday night football. people that faithfully visited him week after week, and his efforts to stay positive.

it was all true. and probably the most appropriate funeral sermon i've ever heard. it kind of inspired a little faith in the Church that i haven't had in a while. like, "wow, we're still capable of telling the Truth." and it worked not just because it was true but because it was the angle on Truth that was good for the family to hear. it was comforting to them for their loss. can't argue with that.

100 years winter, and reliving hope

yeah, i'm writing about narnia again. i promise i won't do this everytime i see the movie...this will be the last time.

there's just such a hope in the movie that's very well woven into the story. but i know it's effectively woven in because i don't just feel the hope that narnians feel for their own land when they see the children. i feel hope for this world. hope for the endurance of my faith.

the characters in the story are just so used to winter. they're just going about living their lives. but in the back of their minds is this comatose hope. one which they've been keeping on life support just in case it's not a lost cause. hope that, no matter how long it's been, isn't beyond the possibility of revival.

these things are familiar to me throughout the film. then i remember that this is how i feel when i'm reading the narnia stories. lewis did well in writing the narnia series, and i believe andrew adamson did well in adapting it for film.

and this hope that's prevalent throughout the book and movie is greatly encouraging for me and i'm trying to find a way to make that sense last. perhaps i'm feeling like i'm in the middle of my own endless winter right now. i haven't seen christmas in a hundred years. i'm praying for that one spark. a spark that will revive my hope (faith) and cause ice to melt, giving way to a raging river.

money for nothing

well, i recently applied for a promotion at work. it was a long, arduous process for me. i'm a bit exhausted.

finally, after about a month of waiting, i have been told i didn't make the cut. there were 8 spots for the position i applied for. the reason i was denied was simply a technicality. it came down to experience in 1 particular aspect of the job. the others who were offered a position were much more experienced than me in that aspect.

i expected to be extremely depressed if this were to happen. i've worked so hard for it. spent so much time agonizing over it. but i'm actually not that upset...i'm a little surprised. it's actually kind of a peaceful feeling.

it means the summer will be very hard because my wife is a teacher who is laid off from june-september, so the money would have been what really saved us from some hardship and stress. i still don't know how we're gonna pull it off. ironically, i feel that God is good to me in this news. not sure how. it really doesn't make sense to me, since i'm not an optimistic person by any stretch of the imagination.

don't get me wrong. disappointment still lingers, but it's more of a residue than a mud covering me entirely like i expected. perhaps i'm just numb from the shock of the whole process finally being over. i don't really know.

all i know is i feel okay. whatever comes later will come no matter what. i guess i'm not worried because i don't care. wow, what a useless post. i'll try to write something meaningful another time. k?

Life is...

Just finished watching Stranger than Fiction for the 2nd time since it was released. I watched it with loved ones. Those I have come to enjoy spending time with the most. You know who you are (my wife is included, even though she went to bed early).

But seeing it again, I was left with the same feeling I had having seen it the 1st time...or a similar one. If you haven't seen it I would urge you to, just for the experience. It's not that complex. Very simple story about a very simple man who encounters the strangest situation that likely anyone you might talk to would ever experience. A narrator is dictating the very finest and most intimate details of Harold Crick's life and he eventually begins to hear her. Then, "little did he know", she very plainly announces his imminent death. Imagine his reaction.

My sister said she didn't feel like she had seen it for the 1st time tonight, although she had. She clarified that she felt like she pretty much knew almost the entire story based on the previews, and the rest fell together throughout the course of the movie (being predictable and all). You know what? She's right. There's nothing that suspenseful or tricky here. They revealed the crux of the story through ads and trailers. How could they not, given how simple it is? But I think there's more to it than just the story.

For me, this was a philosophically logical sequel to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you haven't read my thoughts on that, you can do so here (don't worry, it'll open in a new window...i'd hate you to leave this post in the middle of it ;-) . I'm not saying the story was similar, because it wasn't. Or even the characters, because they really weren't. But the messages they sent were very much 2 parts of the same philosophy.

Without giving away any of the story, because you really do need to see it, I'll say that it's very life affirming. It emphasizes all in life that we often take for granted that shouldn't be. Time spent with loved ones and with the activities that we most enjoy. This is the kind of relationship to our lives that I believe God wants us to have. No, the filmmakers wouldn't necessarily go in nearly that direction. But that's what I take away from it. There are these people and events in our lives that are extraordinary but are seen by many of us (not all) as ordinary on a daily basis. Actually, one of the people who genuinely do see them as what they are is also my sister (wish she saw that connection in the movie...yeah, i know you're reading this sis...). Then, after thinking about these things, for some reason Stranger than Fiction does for me become extraordinary and complex, with nuances that make me want to light a cigar and sit for 90 minutes to think about.

So, go. Get some Bavarian Sugar Cookies, invite some close friends and loved ones over, put the DVD in your player, and let the movie speak. What does your narrator say about your life???

Everybody Hurts

i don't quite understand what's happening, but after reading a few things today i had to respond.

two of the most important women in my life are having a very difficult time right now, and i'm not quite sure what to do. there's my wife and my sister. i mean, yes, i believe in the power of prayer and will engage in that...but i really want to do something additionally.

i really can't think of what to do. normally i want my blog posts to be profound and to really say something but what they are going through isn't typically helped by words. so i have been resigned to writing something simple.

i want both of you to know that what you're experiencing in your lives right now is not just observed by those around you. well, perhaps i can't speak for everyone so i should just speak for myself. i want you both to know that my spirit is anxious for you. my heart is there with you. my prayers are there with you. neither of you could know what your influence in my life means, but it's foundational. i suppose the profound part of this post is what you both mean to me.

so, since i really have no words and would continue to babble endlessly if i didn't stop myself, i will leave you with this. please watch the entire video. the words are meant to express the things i'm feeling, and the images are meant to inspire you to hold on. this is no joke by the way, i don't joke when people i love are going through hard times. but at the same time i have my optimistic side, so take this as i intend it.

so here's the video, for tanya and helen. make sure your speakers are on and the volume is up...