spirits that speak


fatherhood so far

life is a funny thing...

ever since i was a very young boy, i've been crazy about girls. i still remember what i believe was my first crush ever. it was in nursery school. today, that girl is a woman who's become a gold medal winning olympic athlete. i'm sure that's another story altogether. as i was saying...my first actual "girlfriend" was in kindergarten. back then, having a girlfriend meant a girl you spend a lot of time with. we kinda did that for 3 years. after that, i didn't finish chasing girls until i got married. holding girls' hands was really exciting when i was in jr. high. it was always just a thrill if i spent time with girls. i didn't even think past that point (until later). i've never figured out why. i was just always worried about gaining their acceptance, trust, and affection. even today, if given the choice between hanging out in the company of females i get along with and guys i get along with...well, it wouldn't be much of a choice.

i reflect on all of this, and pretty much need it, when trying to understand why i care so much about the way my daughter sees me. my daughter's a mommy's girl, which i've come to accept. i honestly believe every child, adopted or biological, has to pick a favorite parent. since our daughter spends so much time with the warden, that's a pretty easy pick. i'm cool with that, because in a few years it's going to be more meaningful, and i think the warden will really appreciate it. that said, it's still kinda weird when the little girl is indifferent toward me. all the more, when we're watching TV together and she cuddles up or reaches out to take my hand...my heart races. when we're putting her to bed and she gives me a hug and a little kiss, it makes my day...even if she wipes her mouth after the kiss (lol).

when i got married, i thought my days of chasing after girls were over. 9 years after that, we adopted a little girl who changed the meaning of chasing girls for me. it's different now, but strangely for the rest of my life i'll be chasing her and constantly being worried about gaining her acceptance, trust, and affection.

...life is a funny thing.